The new song by For King and Country "God only Knows," resonates with me and ministers to me so much.
"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you..."
Since my childhood, I have struggled with the feeling and the question of, "Am I good enough?!?!?!" For my friends, for my family, for my coworkers, for my church family, for literally anyone that I come in contact with.... "Am I good enough...good enough for their (people's) love, am I worth their time...their energy...that if they knew the real me or what I have been through, they wouldn't want me...
Before I share my story, a part of my testimony, I want to express that this is in no way to degrade, or embarrass anyone... this is to tell of what the Lord has done for me, where He has brought me out of, what He and He alone has done for me!!! And how you can find joy and peace through ANY circumstance!!
When I was very young, about 1 1/2 yrs. old, my parents divorced. We were raised by my father until he met my step mother (my mom) at the age of 3 1/2 yrs. old. My biological mother had custody of us on the weekends, then there was a period of about 12 years where we didn't get to see or visit her at all. I have always desired a mother/daughter relationship... with my biological mother... no matter what your biological parent(s) does or doesn't do to you, there is ALWAYS a longing to know them, spend time with them, know what they were like as kids, what they are like now "Do I take after them in looks or actions??" Just to know you are wanted by them, loved by them... from the one that birthed you into this life...I am so thankful for my step mother (my momma) who stepped in to fill that role for me...to step into a role to be a mother to 2 girls that desperately needed it.... all I can say is but God...
I spent many years telling myself,"You weren't wanted, you aren't wanted, you have no purpose, you aren't loved!!! You must have been the reason they divorced, or the reason she isn't here." I allowed the thought of UNWORTHINESS to flood in...to be planted and rooted...
My teen years came and those same thoughts followed me and held a grip on my mind and heart. They then turned into, "You are not pretty enough, skinny enough, you are not worthy of love, no one will want to date you or even want to marry you one day!!"
But God....
Fast forward to 2003, a young 16 year old girl went to a youth lock in weekend. I knew of the Lord for many years before that, but something was different this time. I remember sitting on the pew, heart pounding, which felt like it was going to explode from my throat and chest, like a pulling I could not shake or get away from or run away from even if I tried...but God...
All I remember is the Pastor giving an altar call to accept Jesus and I raised my hand. AlI I remember is eagerly raising my hand and hurrying to the front. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. That's the day I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior!! That's the day I found my worth!!!
Fast forward to many years later, about 16 yrs. later, when I get stressed with life, work, motherhood, being a wife, a sister, a daughter, just being me,...I have allowed those same old thoughts of unworthiness to creep back in and flood my mind... " You are not loved, you are not worthy, you are not worth people's time..." But the difference now is that I know the One who made me, who created me, who brought me through and out of so many trials that have made me into the person I am today. He has taught me that my worth is NOT FOUND in what others think of me, or found in a spouse, or a parent, or a friend. I now know that no matter what I go through, I cannot allow what others have done to me, or what life has dealt me, or any other circumstance to bind me, hold me back, drown me, or sink me. We CANNOT allow bad circumstances in our lives to be a crutch or an excuse to give up.
We ALL have things in our lives...that one moment that could over take us... that have happened to us that we could allow to control our lives and blame our bad decision making on. "Well, you don't know what I have been through, what so and so did to me. I have an excuse to live the way I want, to be drowned in fear, anxiety, and self doubt..." And, you know, I may not have walked though what they have walked through, but I do for a fact know that if you will give those things to God, He can take them and turn them into something beautiful!! I know He has mine time and time again!! I truly believe that we go through things to help others for when they go through those same things. For when they say, "Well, I am going through this or that, you don't understand, I want to give up, I want to give up on God!" you can say, "But, I have been there. I have walked through that, and with God, I came out the other side, VICTORIOUS!!!" You can be empathetic in a way you never were able to before you experienced it yourself!!
I hope this hasn't been too scattered; there are SO many more experiences that I would like to share, but I felt the Lord leading me to share this part of my testimony. The purpose: I want to encourage any and everyone to stop looking for their worth in people, in things, or even who you negatively see yourself as....but to find it in God alone!! You were made for a PURPOSE!! Don't try to be anyone other than YOU! Stop beating yourself up by allowing thoughts in that say you are not loved, you are not wanted, or you are not needed because of things that have happened to you!!! You ARE loved, you ARE wanted, you ARE NEEDED!! You are WORTHY!! Most importantly, don't allow unforgiveness to bind you into not allowing yourself to walk in freedom and into who God made you to be. Don’t blame your past for the reason you can live how you want to! Forgive!!! I forgive my biological mother and pray for her often. I know God restores all things for His good! We all have things we need forgiveness for as well. We have to stop blaming others and just give it all to God and watch Him move in great and mighty ways!!!
Someone is waiting for you to step into your calling, into your destiny, into your purpose, your worth, to help them find theirs!!!!
Forgive, seek God, and walk in it daily!!!
"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you, / BUT there's a kinda love that God only knows!!!"
