Guest Post with Amanda Blevins: But God

God only knows....

The new song by For King and Country "God only Knows," resonates with me and ministers to me so much.

"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you..."

Since my childhood, I have struggled with the feeling and the question of, "Am I good enough?!?!?!" For my friends, for my family, for my coworkers, for my church family, for literally anyone that I come in contact with.... "Am I good enough...good enough for their (people's) love, am I worth their time...their energy...that if they knew the real me or what I have been through, they wouldn't want me...

Before I share my story, a part of my testimony, I want to express that this is in no way to degrade, or embarrass anyone... this is to tell of what the Lord has done for me, where He has brought me out of, what He and He alone has done for me!!! And how you can find joy and peace through ANY circumstance!!

When I was very young, about 1 1/2 yrs. old, my parents divorced. We were raised by my father until he met my step mother (my mom) at the age of 3 1/2 yrs. old. My biological mother had custody of us on the weekends, then there was a period of about 12 years where we didn't get to see or visit her at all. I have always desired a mother/daughter relationship... with my biological mother... no matter what your biological parent(s) does or doesn't do to you, there is ALWAYS a longing to know them, spend time with them, know what they were like as kids, what they are like now "Do I take after them in looks or actions??" Just to know you are wanted by them, loved by them... from the one that birthed you into this life...I am so thankful for my step mother (my momma) who stepped in to fill that role for me...to step into a role to be a mother to 2 girls that desperately needed it.... all I can say is but God...

I spent many years telling myself,"You weren't wanted, you aren't wanted, you have no purpose, you aren't loved!!! You must have been the reason they divorced, or the reason she isn't here." I allowed the thought of UNWORTHINESS to flood in...to be planted and rooted...
My teen years came and those same thoughts followed me and held a grip on my mind and heart. They then turned into, "You are not pretty enough, skinny enough, you are not worthy of love, no one will want to date you or even want to marry you one day!!"

But God.... 

Fast forward to 2003, a young 16 year old girl went to a youth lock in weekend. I knew of the Lord for many years before that, but something was different this time. I remember sitting on the pew, heart pounding, which felt like it was going to explode from my throat and chest, like a pulling I could not shake or get away from or run away from even if I tried...but God...

All I remember is the Pastor giving an altar call to accept Jesus and I raised my hand. AlI I remember is eagerly raising my hand and hurrying to the front. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. That's the day I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior!! That's the day I found my worth!!!
Fast forward to many years later, about 16 yrs. later, when I get stressed with life, work, motherhood, being a wife, a sister, a daughter, just being me,...I have allowed those same old thoughts of unworthiness to creep back in and flood my mind... " You are not loved, you are not worthy, you are not worth people's time..." But the difference now is that I know the One who made me, who created me, who brought me through and out of so many trials that have made me into the person I am today. He has taught me that my worth is NOT FOUND in what others think of me, or found in a spouse, or a parent, or a friend. I now know that no matter what I go through, I cannot allow what others have done to me, or what life has dealt me, or any other circumstance to bind me, hold me back, drown me, or sink me. We CANNOT allow bad circumstances in our lives to be a crutch or an excuse to give up.

We ALL have things in our lives...that one moment that could over take us... that have happened to us that we could allow to control our lives and blame our bad decision making on. "Well, you don't know what I have been through, what so and so did to me. I have an excuse to live the way I want, to be drowned in fear, anxiety, and self doubt..." And, you know, I may not have walked though what they have walked through, but I do for a fact know that if you will give those things to God, He can take them and turn them into something beautiful!! I know He has mine time and time again!! I truly believe that we go through things to help others for when they go through those same things. For when they say, "Well, I am going through this or that, you don't understand, I want to give up, I want to give up on God!" you can say, "But, I have been there. I have walked through that, and with God, I came out the other side, VICTORIOUS!!!" You can be empathetic in a way you never were able to before you experienced it yourself!!

I hope this hasn't been too scattered; there are SO many more experiences that I would like to share, but I felt the Lord leading me to share this part of my testimony. The purpose: I want to encourage any and everyone to stop looking for their worth in people, in things, or even who you negatively see yourself as....but to find it in God alone!! You were made for a PURPOSE!! Don't try to be anyone other than YOU! Stop beating yourself up by allowing thoughts in that say you are not loved, you are not wanted, or you are not needed because of things that have happened to you!!! You ARE loved, you ARE wanted, you ARE NEEDED!! You are WORTHY!! Most importantly, don't allow unforgiveness to bind you into not allowing yourself to walk in freedom and into who God made you to be. Don’t blame your past for the reason you can live how you want to! Forgive!!! I forgive my biological mother and pray for her often. I know God restores all things for His good! We all have things we need forgiveness for as well. We have to stop blaming others and just give it all to God and watch Him move in great and mighty ways!!!

Someone is waiting for you to step into your calling, into your destiny, into your purpose, your worth, to help them find theirs!!!!

Forgive, seek God, and walk in it daily!!!

"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you, / BUT there's a kinda love that God only knows!!!"

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Guest Post with Amanda Blevins: But God

The Music of Missed Milestones

Last night, after we read an Easter book that ended with Jesus sitting at the right hand of God, Caroline asked, "Where is God?" 

Wow. I didn't know what to say or where to begin. How do you break something down so huge and abstract to a little girl of two? But my heart beamed. She had asked me about God, and I was going to say something. 

"He's in heaven...in the sky." 

I probably could've come up with something better, but that's all I managed to say.

"Why?" she replied.

"Well, he's watching over us. He lives in your heart, too."

She didn't ask anything else, so I left it at that. 

But as I left her room, sadness filled my heart. Isaac has never really asked questions about God. One thing about being on the autism spectrum is the struggle to understand abstract concepts like faith. I've often battled with this, wondering if my son will be saved from sin, if he will understand and grasp needing a savior, wondering if God will understand if he doesn't. This is tough stuff.

One of the first things I remember about our journey was seeing a little girl praying around her table one night on Facebook. She was Isaac's age. She had her chubby hands clasped together and her head bowed. She whispered some words while the family cheered and clapped. They were two. My heart began to fill with sadness and jealousy. I kept wondering, "Why can't I ever get Isaac to imitate us? Why doesn't he even want to try? What am I doing wrong? How did I mess this up?"

Thankfully, he's just beginning to understand prayer. For a long time, he struggled with this. If we were praying at church and sometimes at home, it scared him. I don't think he could grasp why all of us were bowing our heads and getting quiet while one person seemingly talked to himself. 

Still, though, things are different for us, and even though it's hard to talk about it, I feel like it's my responsibility to communicate our struggles sometimes, to give our song a melody. 

Some of our songs have slow, steady rhythms that weave into our hearts and minds, staying with us forever. 

These are the bittersweet ones...beautiful because they remind us of where we've been and echo our homesick-for-heaven hearts. They give us hope. They give us promise. 

They crescendo and build with hope only to plummet back into the minor notes to remind us that this is not our home.

These are found in my family's songbook. Sometimes I have trouble turning the page and instead linger on the music of missed milestones. 

Often I find that my voice is rusty, I'm using the wrong songbook, reading the wrong lyrics. 

This can't be right. 

I feel the melodic joy building in one minute, and the next I'm plunging head first into the minor notes all brimming with rough edges and chaos. They sting. They hurt. 

Sometimes I watch my little boy at church and say, "God, what was in your mind when you created this little boy?

Before he was ever in our hearts, I prayed for him. I bargained with God. "Make him different, God," I said. "Make him special. Make him stand out. I promise to give him back to you." 

I imagined a preacher, singer, song writer, or artist. I visualized him possibly in front of the pulpit, singing, teaching, and passing on his legacy and testimony. I envisioned a little one singing in the choir and inviting his friends from school to church. I imagined sweet prayers with chubby hands smashed together.

But life isn't what we always have in mind.

Key change.

Instead, I watch him fidget, lie down, squirm, make noises, and exist uncomfortably in his own skin at times, and I wonder. 

Will this ever make a difference for him? Will he ever understand?

The enemy says that Isaac won't ever understand God or anything on that abstract of a level...that nothing that emotional will ever permeate his realm of thinking...that his sounds, squirms, and over-stimulated mind will always take precedence over the Word...that his literal mind will never grasp the wonder of salvation and community...that he will always be held prisoner by his own mind.

And with this, my voice falls flat. Sometimes I lose it all together.

This is when I'm reminded of Paul, the great martyr and teacher that he was. He often communicated with people and churches from a great distance. He poured out his life and love into his letters, and he depended on these epistles to share the message of God's sovereignty and to give his readers a hope of righteous identity in Christ. Alone in his cell, Paul had to truly believe in something he had absolutely no control over. He had to love those in which he could not communicate or monitor. He  had to love and forgive those he was angry with. He even had to forgive himself. I imagine he felt stuck at times, vulnerable, and powerless. I imagine he felt lost and confused, probably how Abraham felt when God led him to the mountain with Isaac in tow.

But, y'all, the song isn't over. It wasn't then; it isn't now.

"Fulfilled by love," that's what Paul teaches us about in Galatians regarding the old law and Jesus' sacrifice.  He says, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Gal. 5:6

When I walk into the sanctuary and see my church family keeping my little boy so my exhausted heart can hear the Word, I am fulfilled. When his grandparents take my little boy to spend the night at his favorite places, I feel fulfilled. When Isaac's teachers and paras send me messages of encouragement or pictures of him enjoying himself at school, I feel fulfilled. When friends tell me they saw Isaac or interacted with him, knowing it will warm my heart, I feel fulfilled. When my son learns something knew and wants to show me, I feel fulfilled. 

My stubborn heart that lingers on rules and formalities does not fulfill me. My plans don't. My expectations. My broken dreams. The developmental checklists. 

Love. What fulfillment.

God is our composer. He’s the Great Musician. He knows the lyrics to our song, because He penned every word. 

So what is God? A big question with a simple answer.

God is Love, and because of the example of his sacrifice, I too can relinquish any mental or emotional bondage I have over my life and my circumstances. I am free to love and forgive, and I am free to sing about it. 

This is why I sing; maybe you'll want to sing along, too.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace." 2 Tim 1:7-9

I've Been Singing 'Bout my Lord for so many years 
I've Sung when I've been happy 
Even Sung When I've had Tears 
I've even had Folks ask me 
If It's All Been Just A Show 
But the Reason That I'm Singing 
I Want the World to Know 
Chorus 
I Sing Because There is an Empty Grave 
I Sing Because There is the Power to Save 
I Sing Because His Grace is Real to Me 
I Sing Because I Know I'm Not Alone 
I Sing Because Someday I'm Going Home 
Where I Shall Sing Through All Eternity 
Verse 2 
I've Sung to Those Walking Through the Fiery Trial 
I've Watched Their Saddened Faces Turn Into Happy Smiles 
I've Bowed my Head and Whispered 
Lord, Please do the Same For Me 
And I'm Glad That I Can Tell You 
He's Always Given Victory

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The Music of Missed Milestones

Guest Post with CeJe Thompson Hearn: A Decade of God's Grace

A decade, ten years, that is how long my family has been on the Autism journey. I like to believe that I am not old. However, in the Autism world, I am ancient. Zachary was first labeled “Autistic” at three years old. Shockingly, this diagnosis was actually somewhat okay with us. I had been called “nuts” by so many pediatricians there was almost some redemption in a label. I remember when he got the diagnosis, walking out of Children’s Hospital with my Mom. I put Zach in his car seat and then I walked to the front of our car and just looked over the edge of the parking deck. It was a beautiful day and I remember breathing deeply and holding my breath for a moment, letting it out, and looking at Mom and with full determination saying, “I wanted answers. We have answers. Now we know what to do.” Looking back, that breath and statement of assurance was probably one of the most hilarious moments of my life. I had no idea the path we were about to walk down, what my child would require from us and what would be required of him. However, even then I was aware that the diagnosis of Autism changed everything about how I saw my own child.

Autism is a more common diagnosis now. I do not say that to belittle the diagnosis. I say that to applaud all that has been done in the form of research. Just last year, the Alabama Legislature passed historic insurance reform led by the late Jim Patterson who Zach was privileged to meet during the discussion phase of that bill and before that during Leni’s Law. (Yes my 13 year old is cool enough to hang in Montgomery haha) Yet, at the time of Zach’s diagnosis, Autism was rare. We didn’t know about Autism and despite what I’d said, we had no clue “what to do”, we just knew we weren’t going down without a fight. We quickly discovered that all of the therapies we needed were going to require us to win the lottery or rob a bank. Zach needed speech therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, play therapy and he could also possibly benefit from music therapy and equine therapy. $$$. We were encouraged to get a DAN (Defeat Autism Now) Doctor, which was only located in Georgia, and didn’t take our insurance, so we did it. Zach went through another round of terrible testing that designed for him a special diet of foods only Hollywood millionaires could afford to maintain. Yet, we did it all. You see, we were before Autism was prevalent in schools and churches and even public. My family was on a hamster wheel willing to run as long as it took, and ready to spend every dime we had to “fix” our child. Writing that sentence and remembering all we put him through breaks my heart.

I wasted Zach’s childhood in many ways. For six years I spent so much time wanting society’s picture perfect child, that I missed God’s perfect picture. I wanted to hear, “I love you”. I wanted my child to read me his first book. I wanted to fuss about going to baseball practices and say “no” to a spend the night party. I wanted Zach to be invited to a party - he never has without his sister. I wanted to hold a real report card without an IEP evaluation. I wanted us all to sleep and eat and go places like normal families. So, I focused on these things and “fixing” them. I also prayed God would change Zach to be like other “normal” kids. I am again ashamed, but I’m being honest. I missed the beauty of my life with my son because of an inability to seek God’s will for his life instead of my own. Like I could know better than my child’s creator?!

Then one day we realized Autism was not our only issue. Zach also had a very life-threatening illness. That’s when I woke up. I was broken and thrown into a place where I was forced to recognize what was really important, Zach, just the human-being Zach. He was my God-given gift; just as he was; God didn’t want me to make him into something else. If God had needed someone different he would have made someone different. I was to treasure what I had been given, an absolutely gorgeous child. He didn’t say, “I love you,” but instead I learned that if I say it, and watch he will squint his little eyes and touch my face to tell me back. He will still cuddle in my lap at 13. We do therapies at school and in summer, but we have quit torturing this child with every new idea that comes along. Zach didn’t need to be fixed, we did. God knew that, and Zach was given to help us. When I finally realized this fact, I remember thinking so clearly, “I want to meet my child.” He was also sick and I didn’t want to lose him and never know him. So I became Mommy, not therapist. I watched “Cars” and “Milo and Otis” 10,000 times. I learned to flip flash cards, Zach’s favorite stem. Then, eventually, I would be brought cards, the same cards, daily. We had our first game. I had become a Mom and I had let my child become a boy instead of a medical project.

I am now thankful for Autism. We were told all of the bad things about Autism; no sleep, no social life, marital problems and money problems are guaranteed; yep they are all there... Nonetheless, nobody tells the good stuff. We have had a lot to laugh at. Our marriage has been made stronger. Our daughter has learned empathy and kindness that is extraordinary for a child her age. We have been humbled as we are forced to realize “perfection” isn’t always possible, “normal” is relative and sometimes you must ask for help. We have also seen that many people are very good. Lastly, and most importantly, we have learned God is faithful. Psalm 86:15 says, But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. He has seen us through every step of this crazy journey and given us the world’s most perfect tour guide to carry us along the way. We have truly experienced a decade of God’s grace in action.

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Guest Post with CeJe Thompson Hearn: A Decade of God's Grace

This Is Thirty-Two

This week after reading an online article, I read the author's biography and marveled at her photo in admiration.

I hope I age like that. She looks great! I hope my writing grows in maturity so mine can somewhat resemble hers one day. She’s incredible!

After a quick Google search, I sat blinking at the screen.

1986.

This woman was my age. 

This has been happening more often now. I see more and more amazing women at the height of their careers, heading up motherhood ministries, writing books, reaching people through their testimonies, owning their seasons of motherhood with grace. They give me so much inspiration until I realize these women are my age or younger. 

That's when it hits. 

I feel so behind. So messy. So unprepared for the life ahead of me. Everyone else seems so poised for this thing called adulthood...even those younger than I am. 

Sometimes I feel like a baby foal, clumsily grappling around trying to find my way, trying to finally become who I'm supposed to be, finally growing into my full height.

A couple of weeks ago when my son had surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids, I was a wreck. He also had tubes placed inside his ears. I felt like a child watching my son cry as he woke up, powerless and temporarily out of his senses.

I was powerless and out of my senses.

Even though I could feel the prayers of my family, friends, church, and community, the following days were some of the darkest times in my life. It was hard before, and now the world had turned upside down. 

At one point during his recovery, he was waking up six times a night. Administering pain medicine every three hours to a little boy who doesn't want to swallow was hard. Trying to explain to him why his throat hurts so badly was hard. Going on little to no sleep for two weeks was hard. Telling an already picky kid he can't have his favorite foods was hard.

And at one time I thought it was going to get the best of me.

I am too old for this. I should know what to do. Why am I still so lost at 32 years of age?

I scrolled past the mom blogs. I didn't open the emails. I didn't have the time or energy to read any of the books stacked on my bedside table. 

For two weeks I sulked.

It hurts to be on the other side. It felt like my light had been turned off from within. I was officially tired of being strong. I was tired of everyone else having it together. I was tired of feeling so clueless, so fragile. 

Ladies, two-thousand and nineteen tells us that we're supposed to know who we really are...like REALLY know. 

My thirties were "supposed" to be my glory years, going to practices, volunteering at school, making adorable little peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches in assorted shapes. I had a certain idea of what being a good mother looked like, and I basically never benchmark now that I think about it. In fact, I probably don’t even qualify at my best. Almost six years in, and my life is basically a 180 of what I expected.

For the past two years, the pressure of this world keeps me aware of my limitations and how they consistently stifle my confidence, my creativity, my faith. It doesn't take a self-help book to tell me to set goals, achieve my dreams, "make it happen"...to ultimately put myself first. Goodness. I was born that way. I was wired that way. I'm human. It's natural to want "self" to be happy.

But God's grace gives me the strength to listen closely to distinguish between what I'm meant to do and what I think I'm meant to do...what the world says I should do and what God says I should do...who I am and who God says I am.

But I can't hear him if I'm listening to myself. 

I can't find him if I'm constantly feeding into the lie that I deserve more, that my life is so flawed that I deserve to be dissatisfied and discontented. 

No matter what I happen upon in this life, no matter how guilty I feel, no matter how behind I feel, God is still God, and he designed me to live my life and my life only. He created me to share my story, not someone else’s. He made my plans so that I could glorify him through it all. He has arranged my life so that I can find myself through him at age 32, 15, or 95. 

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:24

Walking through the Spirit doesn't always mean we will be comfortable or completely "self-actualized." Being a child of God won't always mean I get what I want. It might mean that I don't ever materialize in this world the way I imagined. Sometimes it's going to feel like a sacrifice, but what better way to feel more connected to Jesus than when we are humbly and willingly discipling those He has entrusted in our care...when we are disconnected from this earth and pulled away into a peculiar place to wait for him to call us home? With joy?!

Well, the weeks finally turned to days, and the days turned to hours. Isaac eventually healed up, and he was back to himself, finally breathing regularly and sleeping peacefully. I eventually got a good night's sleep. He eventually ate his favorite chips. I eventually got to read again.

We survived.

Honestly, aside from Isaac's surgery, there have been many times since becoming a mother that I haven't felt shiny. And there will be more.

But this doesn't mean we can't glow. When all is dark, that's when our lights shine the brightest. 

True, I'm about to have another birthday; my hair is still graying at a rapid rate; I'm still disorganized; I still start things I’m not sure I can even accomplish; I still fumble around in the darkness of reality wondering where I fit inside this plan of God's; I still tumble into my valleys wondering who I am; and I'll probably always feel inadequately equipped to carry out my role in whatever season I'm in.

However, these seasons of being uncomfortable with our earthly identities are packed with purpose. They remind me that I’m not made for this world...that the perfection I long for can’t be found here but another place where God gives the light. (Rev. 22:5)

Maybe those weeks of no sleep and frustration were meant for me to increase my prayer life. Maybe my moments of powerlessness were meant to humble me. Maybe all my guilt keeps my heart softened and my hands folded in prayer. Maybe my dreams keep my heart childlike and hopeful. Maybe God simply wants me to get through all this to be a light for someone else.

And we can be a light even when we don't feel very shiny. 

We can thankfully rest in these truths: No matter how I might interpret the Word, the Gospel will not change. When I fail him, He will be right where I left him. If he chooses to heal us on earth or in eternity, he saves his children. No matter how much better another woman is at cooking, decorating, or styling her hair, no matter how many she has in her following or in her good graces, I am enough. I am who I am supposed to be and where I'm supposed to be. 

I am created for God to chisel away at the parts of me that I need to shed, revealing only what can be used to glorify him: the parts that reflect His light.

Nothing more, Nothing Less.

"The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime [...] put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." Romans 13:12-14

The same God that allows us to find our soulmates is the same God who will usher us through a painful diagnosis with no cure. The same God that gives us our children is the same God who takes us through the death of a child. The same God who forgives my sin is the same God who forgives yours.

Through joy and pain, the best and the worst moments, God is there.

I can't ignore the things that have broken me, the parts I had rather leave in the darkness, the parts I had rather not remember, the unspoken things that make me question my worth, my path, His will. I can't hold them against God because they're just as important in fueling the lamp of my heart.

I pray my light always burns brighter because I'm hiding behind his will.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalms 27:1

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This Is Thirty-Two

Mary

This morning as I reflected on my 32nd year and simultaneously watched the kids tearing into their gifts, I pondered on how this past year has held many unplanned changes and detours for my family, and how unfortunately, I didn’t always encounter them with the best behavior.
Approaching 33 this year has my mind on Christ and particularly on Mary and how few years she had with her son. See, I like to think of Mary as a special needs mom who was visisted with tales of a royal, immaculate birth and a diagnosis all in the same night. I wonder if she was scared. After all, she was a poor teenage girl. How could this be?
Mary, did you know?
I wonder if she felt shame. What will people think? I wonder if she woke during the night strategizing. I have to protect him. I wonder if she worried she would mess up. What if I fail as a mother? 
Motherhood is a messy mission. We fantasize of championing over our children, dressing them in adorable clothes, feeding them the best foods, and modeling the perfect behaviors. Nights are sweet with clean little children all tucked into their beds after story time. Never any whining or grumbling.
Motherhood is never like what we expect, and I imagine Mary felt the same way at times. Oh, what I would give for Mary to have written a book on her life with chapter after chapter detailing her experiences raising the Son of God himself! What we could learn from that.
However, the few--yet powerful--glimpses we see of the ultimate matriarch were nothing close to a beautifully curated Instagram page. Jesus was born in the hay outside in a shed or cave. His clothes were scraps of rags. Mary had no nurses or fluffy robes to lie around in. No coconut water. No comforts of home for Mary the mother of Jesus.
If Mary was adored and "highly favored" as the Word explains, why do we seem to lose faith and struggle so much when we go through periods of suffering and grief?
"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is his name." Luke 2:46-49
I believe Mary did know she was doing weighty work with Jesus. She knew it would ultimately come down to death for Jesus, but she gave her all in her motherhood journey. She watched her beaten, torn, publicly humiliated son stand in for you and me, and she endured it with grace. She didn’t Google or text five of her best friends. While she prepared her heart for this heavy work, she nestled her thoughts in her heart and "pondered" on them. I find myself so often demanding to have it easier. I so often turn to the world to feed my desperate need for connection and security.
Are you going through struggles that will ultimately lead to God’s glory and edification?
There is no perfect parenting manual out there, but the Word provides all we need to live free through God’s grace and Jesus’ sacrificial love.
You are not alone in your struggles. God orchestrates beauty out of our blunders and our messes. He is your strength when you are weak.
Mary herself recognized she needed a savior; have you? Have you recognized the great need of Jesus in your life today?
"For God so loved the world, that he have his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

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Mary 

The Perfect Regift

Everybody look at the camera and smile!

I'm restraining my son. My daughter is looking miserably bored. I'm not even sure my husband is looking at the camera, and my slip is visible. At first, I thought this photography session would be the farthest thing from successful, but when I saw the outcome, I was captivated by how much fun we were having when we thought the photographer wasn't taking pictures. I've never loved a photo session more. If only this is what life always looked like in reality.

Life rarely feels like a Hallmark movie, does it?

Being a good mom looks different for us on any given day: having well-behaved children, throwing Pinterest-perfect parties, healthy kids eating all of their vegetables, owning a beautifully decorated home, having an amazing post-baby figure, brilliant kids who are always making good choices...

These are truly great things and beautiful goals to achieve; however, most of the time, motherhood looks a lot like cleaning up messes, running here and there (possibly late), preparing endless snacks, washing sippy cups, finding lost toys, battling it out at bed time, fighting back tears (ours and our kids'), and feeling tired.

Add Christmas expectations into the mix, and we're likely to feel pretty lousy as mothers during the "most wonderful time of the year."

Unfortunately, our fragmented understanding of happiness and success is almost always tainted with our idolatrous expectations centered around pride, jealousy, comparison, perfection, and plenty.

And we all fall short.

Two thousand years ago, God sent Jesus as the only perfect person who would ever exist. When he died, he died for the sinner (Rom. 5:8), He died for the grudge-bearer, the proud, the depressed, the worried mother who stays up hours researching cures for her child. He also died for the mother who, hungry for connection and acceptance, chooses the world over Christ too many times to number. He died for the mother who idolizes her children and places blame on herself. He died for the envious, the burdened. He died for you and me.

He rescued us and won our freedom from the Perfect Mother Wars, yet we hardly ever see the Holy Spirit as the Perpetual Prize, the ultimate gift under our Christmas trees, that we have the opportunity to rejoice about year round.

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I. (John 14:26-28)

I don't know about you, but I don't always feel like rejoicing--even during Christmas.

Perhaps your kids are grown, and you feel lost without them. Maybe you’re wrestling with your Christmas budget or figuring how much importance you should place on Christmas decor. Maybe you're feeling like you're not doing enough to help your kids learn about Jesus. Maybe your family just received a painful medical diagnosis. Perhaps your attitude resembles the stinky onion in the trash. Maybe you have lost a loved one and have no clue how to celebrate Christmas anymore. Maybe you thought you might have a pregnancy or engagement announcement to share. Maybe you’re spending Christmas alone this year--again.

Maybe you’re wondering if God is even listening.

Unless we allow God's Word and his comforting spirit to light up our hearts, we're likely to stay tangled up in the metaphorical Christmas lights of our lives. Everyone knows how hard it is to escape when tangled up in sin, but once sorted out, the magic behind each glimmering light on the Christmas trees of our hearts will make it worth it all.

No matter what season we are in, we can rejoice for God's free gift, his Holy Spirit. 

Even in the times when rejoicing seems another life away, the Holy Spirit can turn us from bitterness and discontentment, helping us to reroute our plans and accomplish God's purpose with repentant, humble, grateful hearts. 

Goodness knows this is hard! 

Thankfully, God knows when we struggle. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Rom. 8:26) What a blessing to remember during this season when emotions are heavy and stress is high.

This year, if you’re having to pray, beg, even gravel for your Christmas spirit, never forget the Holy Spirit, the counselor and friend who will comfort your aching heart during those times when Christmas seems so far away.

By focusing on contentment and joy in the Lord instead of ourselves and allowing the Spirit’s honest, convicting, comforting light to shine on us and through us, it's like mesmerizing Christmas lights--his light bounces off of us into others' lives (2 Tim. 2:21). This has the potential to light up the world. 

What a perfect way to regift God’s love!

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. (Ps. 28:7)

Let God light up your life! Remember Emmanuel, that God is actually with us. When we gather and pray in the humble reflections across the dinner table, in the wee hours of the night, in the altar, in the pew, in front of the sink, on your knees, those moments of repentance that break us and reshape us, glory is waiting there. 

Jesus meets us there in those dark places, ready to shine and bring light and warmth back into our hearts. His light purifies, warms, and brings life into our cold bones. His light alone is everlasting, and through his sanctifying spirit, our hearts can ignite, regifting God’s light and glory to those around us.

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The Perfect Regift 

Humble Pie: Sometimes We All Need a Slice

Ashley Oliver Photography

On Facebook the other day, a friend shared a story about her daughter humiliating her. Honestly, when I began reading, I thought the story was going to be somewhere on the lines of her little girl sharing a piece of information to the world that would be somewhat embarrassing. (If my memory serves me right, I believe I did this to my dear ole mama from time to time, but I digress.)

However, she went on to explain that she didn't believe her daughter when she said she had let the bath water out of the bath tub, but she actually had. This, in turn, made the mom feel like she needed to apologize. Because of her mistake, she took the time to sit down and tell her daughter that sometimes mamas and daddies mess up and need to apologize. So actually, the daughter humiliated her mama in a way that left the mother humbled, and humility is a perfect place for God to work.

I'm thankful for this lady's honesty in sharing this little bit of her life because how many of us have been wrong before with our kiddos? This little story sent me straight back in time to when I felt the need to apologize to my little boy for a mistake that I had made.

Isaac has some difficulty expressing his thoughts sometimes, so he doesn't always get out what he's thinking. He had told me he needed to use the bathroom, but when we got in there, it appeared as if he had already gone! I was so upset because we had worked so hard with potty training (a year ago this month to be exact), and here I was thinking that we were taking a step backward. So I got on my knees, looked at him in the eyes, and said, "Isaac, did you go potty in your pants? Tell me the truth. Did you?"

He just stared at me and said, "No."

I kept pressing him and asking him, "No, you're going to tell me. Did you do it? You know you're not supposed to. You go to the bathroom in the potty. You know that."

The tone of my voice had him tearing up. "No," he said again as he shook his head. He just stared at me and then at the ground. He looked defeated. He looked like my heart felt.

By this time, I was too frustrated to argue. Fear was gripping me. We had just brought Caroline home, and he had been having some trouble adjusting. It seemed like he wasn't eating hardly anything at all, craving attention, he was starting to wake up at night sometimes, and now this? Potty training was something I was not prepared to tackle again. It had made me a nervous wreck the first time! (One hormonal meltdown, coming right up!)

"Lord, I can't handle this, too. Not with a new baby."  I took a deep breath and looked at his pants. They were obviously wet. I had seen all I needed to see, right? The truth was there, and my mind had made itself up. But when I looked at the back of his pants and underneath, I saw that he was dry. I looked at him again and said, "Isaac, do you have to go to the bathroom?"

He nodded his head for yes.

Then it dawned on me. Relief. He had been playing in the rain puddles outside, and because he likes to get down on his belly and push his trucks, the front of his pants and bottom of his shirt were wet. I should've seen this, but I was too tired, too exhausted to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions. How often do we do this with God? How often has the truth been right in front of us, but our vision has been clouded with fear and anxiety, causing us to search for our own answers and rely on our own superficial conclusions? How often do we forget to stop and let God take the reins?

So, in tears, I got down on my knees and said, "Isaac, why couldn't you just tell me? Why couldn't you just say, 'No, Mama. I didn't potty in my pants.' Why didn't you just tell me? I'm so sorry."

And after this, he looked me straight in the eyes and said so clearly, "I don't know what to say."

In that moment I sat back against the tub, laughed/cried, and began thinking, "Lord, he told the truth! How many times have I done this? How many times have I been wrong as a parent? How many times have I jumped to conclusions instead of simply trusting?" I had made something small and insignificant into a mountain I wasn't mentally and emotionally prepared to climb. I felt terrible and found myself questioning, yet again, my ability to be a good mom.

After he went to the bathroom, we hugged, and with a smile he said, "Wanna go outside?"

How easily he forgot my mistake. How innocent his heart. How strong his love. 

That teachable moment turned into a discovery of God's miraculous, healing love, the power of our relationship, and the extent of his love for me, for us all. How many times has He willingly forgiven me and wiped away my tears, always showing me the innocence of a child when I show him my faults...faults He is already aware of but promises to forget once I beg him to? How many times has his love been revealed to me when I crumble and say, "I'm sorry."? But that's the beauty of God. He desires our humility--that of a child to be exact!

"And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me." Matthew 18: 3-5

Ladies, my prayer for us today is that like the little children Jesus speaks of in Matthew, we find the humility within us to kneel at Jesus's feet for every desire, every need...that we discover God's teachable moments are all around us, each and every day. How thankful I am of Jesus modeling what forgiveness and grace looks like for me--for my sake. Because of his healing, forgiving nature, I can search within to find those same qualities in myself. Because of his example of grace and mercy, I can recognize in myself the kind of wife and parent I need to be. Does that mean I won't ever have to work at it? No. Does that mean I won't mess up? Absolutely not! Psalms 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." He is more than enough! When we lose control...lose faith...He is there to mend our flesh and our hearts.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." Just as my heart pleaded for my little boy to explain the truth that day, God wants us to come to him and pour our hearts out to him. Our babies need to see us needing God, calling on him, seeking his help, wisdom, discipline, and forgiveness when we slip. This way, they will willingly find the desire to welcome that into their own lives with us as their parents, and ultimately, with God as their savior. 

"Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea." Micah 7: 18-19

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Humble Pie: Sometimes We All Need a Slice