I hope I age like that. She looks great! I hope my writing grows in maturity so mine can somewhat resemble hers one day. She’s incredible!
After a quick Google search, I sat blinking at the screen.
1986.
This woman was my age.
This has been happening more often now. I see more and more amazing women at the height of their careers, heading up motherhood ministries, writing books, reaching people through their testimonies, owning their seasons of motherhood with grace. They give me so much inspiration until I realize these women are my age or younger.
That's when it hits.
I feel so behind. So messy. So unprepared for the life ahead of me. Everyone else seems so poised for this thing called adulthood...even those younger than I am.
Sometimes I feel like a baby foal, clumsily grappling around trying to find my way, trying to finally become who I'm supposed to be, finally growing into my full height.
A couple of weeks ago when my son had surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids, I was a wreck. He also had tubes placed inside his ears. I felt like a child watching my son cry as he woke up, powerless and temporarily out of his senses.
I was powerless and out of my senses.
Even though I could feel the prayers of my family, friends, church, and community, the following days were some of the darkest times in my life. It was hard before, and now the world had turned upside down.
At one point during his recovery, he was waking up six times a night. Administering pain medicine every three hours to a little boy who doesn't want to swallow was hard. Trying to explain to him why his throat hurts so badly was hard. Going on little to no sleep for two weeks was hard. Telling an already picky kid he can't have his favorite foods was hard.
And at one time I thought it was going to get the best of me.
I am too old for this. I should know what to do. Why am I still so lost at 32 years of age?
I scrolled past the mom blogs. I didn't open the emails. I didn't have the time or energy to read any of the books stacked on my bedside table.
For two weeks I sulked.
It hurts to be on the other side. It felt like my light had been turned off from within. I was officially tired of being strong. I was tired of everyone else having it together. I was tired of feeling so clueless, so fragile.
Ladies, two-thousand and nineteen tells us that we're supposed to know who we really are...like REALLY know.
My thirties were "supposed" to be my glory years, going to practices, volunteering at school, making adorable little peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches in assorted shapes. I had a certain idea of what being a good mother looked like, and I basically never benchmark now that I think about it. In fact, I probably don’t even qualify at my best. Almost six years in, and my life is basically a 180 of what I expected.
For the past two years, the pressure of this world keeps me aware of my limitations and how they consistently stifle my confidence, my creativity, my faith. It doesn't take a self-help book to tell me to set goals, achieve my dreams, "make it happen"...to ultimately put myself first. Goodness. I was born that way. I was wired that way. I'm human. It's natural to want "self" to be happy.
But God's grace gives me the strength to listen closely to distinguish between what I'm meant to do and what I think I'm meant to do...what the world says I should do and what God says I should do...who I am and who God says I am.
But I can't hear him if I'm listening to myself.
I can't find him if I'm constantly feeding into the lie that I deserve more, that my life is so flawed that I deserve to be dissatisfied and discontented.
No matter what I happen upon in this life, no matter how guilty I feel, no matter how behind I feel, God is still God, and he designed me to live my life and my life only. He created me to share my story, not someone else’s. He made my plans so that I could glorify him through it all. He has arranged my life so that I can find myself through him at age 32, 15, or 95.
"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:24Walking through the Spirit doesn't always mean we will be comfortable or completely "self-actualized." Being a child of God won't always mean I get what I want. It might mean that I don't ever materialize in this world the way I imagined. Sometimes it's going to feel like a sacrifice, but what better way to feel more connected to Jesus than when we are humbly and willingly discipling those He has entrusted in our care...when we are disconnected from this earth and pulled away into a peculiar place to wait for him to call us home? With joy?!
Well, the weeks finally turned to days, and the days turned to hours. Isaac eventually healed up, and he was back to himself, finally breathing regularly and sleeping peacefully. I eventually got a good night's sleep. He eventually ate his favorite chips. I eventually got to read again.
We survived.
Honestly, aside from Isaac's surgery, there have been many times since becoming a mother that I haven't felt shiny. And there will be more.
But this doesn't mean we can't glow. When all is dark, that's when our lights shine the brightest.
True, I'm about to have another birthday; my hair is still graying at a rapid rate; I'm still disorganized; I still start things I’m not sure I can even accomplish; I still fumble around in the darkness of reality wondering where I fit inside this plan of God's; I still tumble into my valleys wondering who I am; and I'll probably always feel inadequately equipped to carry out my role in whatever season I'm in.
However, these seasons of being uncomfortable with our earthly identities are packed with purpose. They remind me that I’m not made for this world...that the perfection I long for can’t be found here but another place where God gives the light. (Rev. 22:5)
Maybe those weeks of no sleep and frustration were meant for me to increase my prayer life. Maybe my moments of powerlessness were meant to humble me. Maybe all my guilt keeps my heart softened and my hands folded in prayer. Maybe my dreams keep my heart childlike and hopeful. Maybe God simply wants me to get through all this to be a light for someone else.
And we can be a light even when we don't feel very shiny.
We can thankfully rest in these truths: No matter how I might interpret the Word, the Gospel will not change. When I fail him, He will be right where I left him. If he chooses to heal us on earth or in eternity, he saves his children. No matter how much better another woman is at cooking, decorating, or styling her hair, no matter how many she has in her following or in her good graces, I am enough. I am who I am supposed to be and where I'm supposed to be.
I am created for God to chisel away at the parts of me that I need to shed, revealing only what can be used to glorify him: the parts that reflect His light.
Nothing more, Nothing Less.
"The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime [...] put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." Romans 13:12-14The same God that allows us to find our soulmates is the same God who will usher us through a painful diagnosis with no cure. The same God that gives us our children is the same God who takes us through the death of a child. The same God who forgives my sin is the same God who forgives yours.
Through joy and pain, the best and the worst moments, God is there.
I can't ignore the things that have broken me, the parts I had rather leave in the darkness, the parts I had rather not remember, the unspoken things that make me question my worth, my path, His will. I can't hold them against God because they're just as important in fueling the lamp of my heart.
I pray my light always burns brighter because I'm hiding behind his will.
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalms 27:1
