Broken, Not Ruined

Today Isaac wondered in with his broken lawn mower and its broken steering wheel. He must have found them lying around somewhere and wanted to reunite them together. Of course, I’m always astonished that he can keep track of broken parts of his toys, knowing they still have meaning and a purpose.

I love that he still plays with his broken toys. He has about four tractors that are missing their front wheels because he has been too rough with him in his little boy way. Nevertheless, he cherishes every single one of them and loves looking at them from different angles, seeing all the interesting things beneath their surfaces that another child of his age (or even adult) might not even notice. He studies them and recognizes them beyond their perfect state. He actually enjoys when they fall apart so he can see inside to the heart of the mechanism and get to the root of what's wrong.

But sometimes, he has to call for help. "Daddy, can you fix this for me?"

Dear sister, are you calling on the Lord today as you face your trial? You don't have to face it alone. We need his help. God truly sees who we are in all of our brokenness. He works with our broken parts; He doesn't discard them. He uses them in ways we often can't understand in the moment when we're facing affliction. But all throughout the bible, there is evidence that God uses broken people to build on his Gospel story.

Take Paul for example. I can't help but think about the joy that radiates from his words when he wrote to the Philippian Church in chapter one. While he was living out what most would consider a nightmare in prison, he penned his gratitude first. He thanked God and then reminded the Philippians that he "holds them in his heart." What a perfect reminder that we will suffer on this earth (Phil. 1:29), but we can do so with joy, thankfulness, and hope. God doesn't promise us an easy journey, but he does promise us that He will go through it with us, give us grace to sustain us, and supply us with his Spirit to lead and comfort us. 

And those broken parts? The missing pieces? The scars in our hearts and minds? They strip us of ourselves, sanctify us into a more humble and Christlike servant, and remind us of God's Gospel of Grace and what has yet to come (v.6). Paul couldn't wait to see Jesus, but while he remained on earth, he chose to stay joyful, knowing he was advancing the Gospel. 

We're human, though. We live in a culture of trusting our feelings and taking what we see at face value. We often take everything we see and feel as truth. This leads to us taking things into our own hands, and sometimes, this just makes a bigger mess of things.

Don't give up: Today we can rejoice because the Gospel is never broken.

Like that broken toy, mistakes, faulty expectations, missed opportunities, life's disappointments, and heartaches chip away at us, breaking our spirits down to where we feel like God is so far away. We question his goodness. We wonder if he has even heard our prayers. 

But God hears us. He sees us for who we were, what we are, and who we will become all in the grand context of his grand story. He knows we're broken in need of a master craftsman to reshape and piece us back together in his perfect manner called sanctification. That's all a part of his plan!

Will we be able to finish this life like Paul, doing our best to glorify and honor God with boldness, courage, and eagerness? Will we remain hopeful and obedient to his Word in the face of tribulation? Will we consider the generations who follow us? Will we choose to see the beauty in the broken?

Maybe you're beginning to see how God has been able to use your broken pieces. Maybe you're just in the beginning stages and still waiting to see how any good can come through your pain. 

We have no idea how God will use our broken pieces for his glory, but we trust in his goodness and sovereignty, and we can wait with joy and assurance that God will use the broken, keep his promises, and carry us through. 

Rejoice in your brokenness!

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Cor. 4: 16-18)

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Broken, Not Ruined

Guest Post: Madison Williams for Autism Awareness Month

1. Can you tell me a little about your field of study? 

My field of study is a discipline related to psychology called Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). ABA uses the ideas behind how behavior works and applies them to everyday situations to create a meaningful, lasting change in the lives of clients with intellectual or developmental disabilities and their families. Our focus is on using mostly positive and negative reinforcement procedures to address behavioral excesses and deficits. Examples of behavioral excesses (or behaviors of which we see too often or too frequently) that we seek to decrease include tantrums, self-injurious behavior, or aggression to others. Behavioral deficits that we seek to improve are social skills, communication skills, and academic skills. Individuals can receive services in a clinical setting, in the home, at school, or in the community.  My experience so far within the field has been working with children with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and other related diagnoses in the clinic, home, and school settings. 

2. Why did you want to pursue a career in this field?

I have always wanted to work in a field where I would be helping children. My career goals bounced around from pediatrician to speech pathologist, and I eventually landed on ABA. I definitely wanted to make use of my psychology degree and love for people, so I chose a field that married the two. I especially like that in applied behavior analysis, we use strategies that are evidence-based, and we track changes in behavior by looking at data. As a behavior analyst, I will never experience the same day at work twice which is something that I am excited about. As I have gotten older, I have been looking into what I can do to make an impact in people’s lives. I feel that God lead me to ABA so that I can utilize the gifts that He has given me to help others. I love the idea of using the love of children and teaching that I have been given to create meaningful and lasting changes that affect not only the lives of the children that I work with, but their parents and siblings as well.

3. What have you learned by working with kids?

Through my time at FSU, I have learned while working with my precious kiddos that there is always a reason to celebrate. That is one of the things that I love about applied behavior analysis. We always look for some aspect of behavior that we can reinforce or provide praise for. Even if it is just for having a quiet voice and calming themselves down after getting upset, we always find something to praise. I have also learned that every single day is a new day filled with different adventures. Through my work experience, I have seen that working with children on the spectrum is never boring, and there are so many important lessons to be learned. I have become extremely close to the children that I work with, and I celebrate their victories as if they were my own children. I am genuinely so proud of them, and it’s not something that I leave at work. I want the absolute best for them, and that’s why I try to push them to become the best versions of themselves that they can be. 

4. Why FSU?

If you would have asked me four years ago if I would ever move out of state for school, my answer would probably have been a resounding “no.” While I enjoy my freedom, I never wanted to venture too far away from my family. Florida State University honestly wasn’t on my radar until my advisor at UNA mentioned that they had a wonderful program that is directed by a behavior analyst who literally wrote the book on ethics of applied behavior analysis. I began looking into the program and getting more and more excited for the opportunities that I would have as a student at FSU. I applied and realized that acceptance was probably a long shot. In recent years they had received over 70 applicants and only admitted 16 to the program, so I submitted my application and accepted that if God meant for me to be in Florida, I would be. At FSU I have gained so many valuable experiences already in my first year. I have been introduced to new work settings and populations. I am learning how to better serve the kiddos with which I work. I’m constantly learning what it means to be a behavior analyst and the impact that can be made on the lives of our clients. 

5. What have you taken away from your time spent with kiddos on the autism spectrum?

Being able to work with children on the spectrum has truly been one of the greatest blessings that I have ever received. There are so many valuable lessons to be learned from working with kiddos with ASD. I’ve learned to view the world from different angles. There is always more than just one way of looking at things, and through them I am learning to analyze the world around me.  I’ve learned that patience is one of the most important qualities you can have, and through working with these sweet children, I’ve learned to apply that patience in my personal relationships with friends and family. They have taught me to find joy in the smallest of victories. There is no greater feeling than hearing a child say a new word for the first time or finally learning a skill you’ve been working on for weeks. But most importantly, working with children with ASD has taught me to love harder than I thought I was capable of. Every child on the spectrum expresses his or her love differently, but each and every one of them love so fiercely. Whether it be through a shy grin, a hand hold, or a “Big hug, Madison!” I am shown God’s love through His children each and every day. Even if I have pushed them hard throughout our session together, they’re so forgiving and willing to extend their love to me once more. It’s the type of love that I want to be known for as well. 

6. Can you tell me how your family/community/school impacted you and set you on this path? 

My mother is who impacted my journey the most. She was a teacher for twenty-five years, and I grew up watching her love her children as if they were her own. She pushed them really hard but loved them just as much. I saw growing up the way that she interacted with all of the kids, taking the time to fully know each and every one of them. She celebrated their successes and helped them through their struggles. She took the time to make sure that every child, regardless of what his or her life looked like outside of school, was loved deeply. Though I knew that teaching school was not the field that I needed to enter, my mom’s passion for children is what inspired me to work with individuals on the spectrum. It was through helping her in her classroom that I was first introduced to children with developmental disabilities. I hope to be just like her when I become a behavior analyst. I can’t thank her enough for the example that she was to me. 

7. Do you have a future outlook or plan of action with developmental disabilities, namely autism, that you could share with us today? (Like what do you project the world/country to be like in terms of advocating and supplying ASD kids with services, etc.)

I feel like the world that we live in is becoming more and more aware of developmental disabilities and the ways to promote greater awareness and acceptance of those who are different than we are. While we still have miles to go, I see where the communities in which we live are trying to become more aware and accessible to people with all types of disabilities, including developmental and intellectual ones. I believe that the most important way to increase awareness is to increase education surrounding the subject and to make autism an on-going conversation. In order to decrease the stigma surrounding individuals with autism, we need to show those around us the abilities that people with ASD have. We often hear the quote “see the able, not the label,” and I find this to be an extremely important concept. Individuals with autism are creating their own goals and are entering the workforce, living independently, and forming relationships.  It is my ultimate goal that all individuals with ASD regardless of their family’s socioeconomic status will be able to receive the supports and services that they need to reach whatever goals that they set for themselves. I believe that if we all continue to advocate for those that we love with ASD, in the coming years resources for those with ASD and other developmental disabilities will become more plentiful.

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Guest Post: Madison Williams for Autism Awareness Month

Guest Post with Amanda Blevins: But God

God only knows....

The new song by For King and Country "God only Knows," resonates with me and ministers to me so much.

"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you..."

Since my childhood, I have struggled with the feeling and the question of, "Am I good enough?!?!?!" For my friends, for my family, for my coworkers, for my church family, for literally anyone that I come in contact with.... "Am I good enough...good enough for their (people's) love, am I worth their time...their energy...that if they knew the real me or what I have been through, they wouldn't want me...

Before I share my story, a part of my testimony, I want to express that this is in no way to degrade, or embarrass anyone... this is to tell of what the Lord has done for me, where He has brought me out of, what He and He alone has done for me!!! And how you can find joy and peace through ANY circumstance!!

When I was very young, about 1 1/2 yrs. old, my parents divorced. We were raised by my father until he met my step mother (my mom) at the age of 3 1/2 yrs. old. My biological mother had custody of us on the weekends, then there was a period of about 12 years where we didn't get to see or visit her at all. I have always desired a mother/daughter relationship... with my biological mother... no matter what your biological parent(s) does or doesn't do to you, there is ALWAYS a longing to know them, spend time with them, know what they were like as kids, what they are like now "Do I take after them in looks or actions??" Just to know you are wanted by them, loved by them... from the one that birthed you into this life...I am so thankful for my step mother (my momma) who stepped in to fill that role for me...to step into a role to be a mother to 2 girls that desperately needed it.... all I can say is but God...

I spent many years telling myself,"You weren't wanted, you aren't wanted, you have no purpose, you aren't loved!!! You must have been the reason they divorced, or the reason she isn't here." I allowed the thought of UNWORTHINESS to flood in...to be planted and rooted...
My teen years came and those same thoughts followed me and held a grip on my mind and heart. They then turned into, "You are not pretty enough, skinny enough, you are not worthy of love, no one will want to date you or even want to marry you one day!!"

But God.... 

Fast forward to 2003, a young 16 year old girl went to a youth lock in weekend. I knew of the Lord for many years before that, but something was different this time. I remember sitting on the pew, heart pounding, which felt like it was going to explode from my throat and chest, like a pulling I could not shake or get away from or run away from even if I tried...but God...

All I remember is the Pastor giving an altar call to accept Jesus and I raised my hand. AlI I remember is eagerly raising my hand and hurrying to the front. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. That's the day I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior!! That's the day I found my worth!!!
Fast forward to many years later, about 16 yrs. later, when I get stressed with life, work, motherhood, being a wife, a sister, a daughter, just being me,...I have allowed those same old thoughts of unworthiness to creep back in and flood my mind... " You are not loved, you are not worthy, you are not worth people's time..." But the difference now is that I know the One who made me, who created me, who brought me through and out of so many trials that have made me into the person I am today. He has taught me that my worth is NOT FOUND in what others think of me, or found in a spouse, or a parent, or a friend. I now know that no matter what I go through, I cannot allow what others have done to me, or what life has dealt me, or any other circumstance to bind me, hold me back, drown me, or sink me. We CANNOT allow bad circumstances in our lives to be a crutch or an excuse to give up.

We ALL have things in our lives...that one moment that could over take us... that have happened to us that we could allow to control our lives and blame our bad decision making on. "Well, you don't know what I have been through, what so and so did to me. I have an excuse to live the way I want, to be drowned in fear, anxiety, and self doubt..." And, you know, I may not have walked though what they have walked through, but I do for a fact know that if you will give those things to God, He can take them and turn them into something beautiful!! I know He has mine time and time again!! I truly believe that we go through things to help others for when they go through those same things. For when they say, "Well, I am going through this or that, you don't understand, I want to give up, I want to give up on God!" you can say, "But, I have been there. I have walked through that, and with God, I came out the other side, VICTORIOUS!!!" You can be empathetic in a way you never were able to before you experienced it yourself!!

I hope this hasn't been too scattered; there are SO many more experiences that I would like to share, but I felt the Lord leading me to share this part of my testimony. The purpose: I want to encourage any and everyone to stop looking for their worth in people, in things, or even who you negatively see yourself as....but to find it in God alone!! You were made for a PURPOSE!! Don't try to be anyone other than YOU! Stop beating yourself up by allowing thoughts in that say you are not loved, you are not wanted, or you are not needed because of things that have happened to you!!! You ARE loved, you ARE wanted, you ARE NEEDED!! You are WORTHY!! Most importantly, don't allow unforgiveness to bind you into not allowing yourself to walk in freedom and into who God made you to be. Don’t blame your past for the reason you can live how you want to! Forgive!!! I forgive my biological mother and pray for her often. I know God restores all things for His good! We all have things we need forgiveness for as well. We have to stop blaming others and just give it all to God and watch Him move in great and mighty ways!!!

Someone is waiting for you to step into your calling, into your destiny, into your purpose, your worth, to help them find theirs!!!!

Forgive, seek God, and walk in it daily!!!

"God only knows what you've been through, / God only knows what they say about you, / God only knows the real you, / BUT there's a kinda love that God only knows!!!"

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Guest Post with Amanda Blevins: But God

Mother's Day: A Day for All Women

Mother's Day has been especially important to me since May 12, 2013, because my little boy was due on that day. I remember how deflated I felt when he decided to skip over Mother's Day and come on the 14th. I felt bummed that I would have to wait a whole other year to celebrate . (If only my problems were still this easy to manage!)

Motherhood is a lot like adulthood; it gets romanticized, and the hard parts are difficult to process unless you're in the throes of it. All it takes is some spit up to the hair and some sleepless nights to reveal that it's not all baby giggles and adorable dimples. It's a beautifully terrifying ministry, an investment, a calling, a mission. It is definitely something worth celebrating; however, Mother's Day can conjure up feelings of grief and sadness...even shame and embarrassment for some. Memories stir up a heavy heart in the mother who has lost a child, and reality generates feelings of shame and guilt to the mom facing post-partum depression.

None of us have a perfect road, so why does Mother's Day have to be so "perfect?"

Some mothers have never birthed a child but foster or adopt. Some mothers have lost children inside or outside of their wombs. Some mothers are spiritual mothers, nurturing those in their lives and pointing them to Christ. Still, some women are fighting with their hearts, their bodies, and their pocketbooks to be mothers, struggling to hold a baby of their own in their arms.

Our stories are all different, but we all matter, and we can all minister to each other in our own special ways.

1. The woman wanting a family

This can be a difficult day for a woman trying to have a family. She might be doing her third round of infertility treatments, or maybe she's struggling to adopt. Maybe she hasn't met Mr. Right yet, and due to her age, she doesn't know for sure if she'll ever mother a child of her own. We can reach out to these ladies this week and let them know that we see them and that they matter. We can remember a time when they made a difference in our lives or helped us out. We can acknowledge that God is good, and that in His time, all will be made right (no matter how that looks)...that our plans aren't His and that we can seek comfort in his words.

2. Spiritual Mothers

These ladies are those who take us under their wings, nurture our souls, and help us grow in grace and wisdom. I think of the Titus 2 woman. Maybe these ladies could never have children of their own. Maybe they're your great aunt, a grandmother, your pastor's wife, or a neighbor down the street. Maybe it's your Sunday school teacher or your child’s. This is a good week to remind these "spiritual mothers" that they have made a difference in our lives and that they are useful and vital to the ministry in which they have been called to serve. It's a perfect time to let these ladies know how much we value their spiritual gifts and the time they have spent fostering ours.

3. Foster Mothers

These ladies are uniquely special, and I have been blessed to know a few. Seeing the foster system up close and personal can flood your heart with more emotions than you should ever be able to feel at one time. Sometimes fostering means finally getting to adopt a child into your family; sometimes it means falling in love with a child and having to give that child back. Sometimes it means getting a call in the middle of the night that you are now a caregiver to another human being. I can't imagine this kind of love this ministry entails. These ladies could use a word of affirmation on Mother's Day, letting them know that we see how God is using them with this ministry and what a blessing it is to everyone around them.

4. Women who have lost their Mothers

This day can be especially hard for a woman (or anyone) who has lost a mother. Silence is deafening on this day. Memories can bubble to the surface, and grief can produce bitterness. Grief doesn't exist in a vacuum; it doesn't go away, but it grows with us and changes as the seasons in our lives change. We should never feel awkward about talking to someone who has experienced a loss. This is a great time to lead by example and devote some time to this particular ministry. Sometimes a memory or a cheerful word and a hug could be all they need to get through what could've been a truly lonely day. We can always remind these ladies to lean on God's understanding for comfort and that when we're weak, He is strong. (2 Cor. 12:9) We can grieve with these ladies and help them praise God for the time spent and memories made with their loved ones.

5. Empty Nesters

These ladies are the ones telling us to slow down and enjoy these "little" years...the ones who wish they had kiddos running over their toes again. These ladies might miss the handmade cards and hand-painted flower pots, but they could also experience overwhelming "what-if's" and struggle with the past, especially if their children are currently in a state of waywardness. Maybe these mothers are widowed and experience intense loneliness. We can reach out to these ladies and let them know that they did a good job as mothers and that they're still useful in God's kingdom work. We can remind each other that the only perfect parent is Jesus and that we have the freedom to be thankful and gracious with ourselves and others no matter what season of life we're in. We can believe that our stories aren't over yet and that we will be praying with them to see how God can continue to use them.

6. The Mother who wasn't there

Mother's Day can be difficult for those who weren't raised by their biological mothers. Maybe their mothers chose a different lifestyle over their children or maybe their mothers were simply not present in their children's lives for various reasons. I know from experience, however, that more youth than ever are growing up without their mothers, and Mother's Day can generate guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anger in people who feel as if they were picked over as children. We can remind these people of their worth and show them that they can have a place in the security of God's ultimate kingdom. We can also find a way to be thankful for these biological mothers because they did, in fact, give life to these children, and life is a precious gift, no matter how it looks to the eye of a mere human. God is in ultimate control, and he can bring us peace, fill our empty voids, and replace our anxiety with joy. (Psalm 94:19)

7. The Special-Needs Mom

Just like most things, Mother's Day is a little different for special-needs moms. Just the other day I saw a mom of three in the grocery store. She had twin girls and an older son. They were all piled in the buggy, stacked in there beside the bags of oranges and chips. I saw her bustling along while the kids smiled and picked at each other. "She was made to be a mother," I thought, and before I could stop myself, I said, "I wasn't. Motherhood isn't for me. I'm different" I couldn't believe what had just come out of my mind. Praise God I had been reading a book called Lies Women Believe, and I instantly began to realize that this was a lie I had been telling myself for years, and the sad thing is that I had believed myself. No matter how our kids look, learn...no matter what a piece of paper says...no matter how varied our children's needs are, we are still mothers with a purpose and a mission. Mother's Day can confuse us and muddle our thoughts about what a real mother is. We might begin to question our worth as mothers or if we're doing a good enough job raising our kids with differing needs and abilities. Maybe we're just sad because our kiddos might not even understand why we celebrate this day. This would be a great time to remind these mothers that they're doing a good job and that their motherhood mission matters.

8. Mothers who have lost children

This includes mothers who have miscarried or lost children outside of the womb. This is a day of extreme grieving for these mothers. Recognizing these mothers is a wonderful way to honor their children and their pain. We tend to steer ourselves away from awkward conversations because finding the words for this situation is almost impossible, but the best gift we can give these women are words of affirmation and validation on one of the hardest days of the year. Grief never ends; it follows us along as the seasons in our lives change. This kind of ministry is hard, but loving and ministering to these women is a wonderful way to make them feel noticed and validated as mothers. We can remind these ladies of Psalm 34:18: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." We can remind them that "All things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. Finally, we can remind them of what Jesus did on the cross...that he defeated death so we can be reunited with him and our loved ones one day in heaven. (1 Cor. 15:57) n

9. Mothers-in-law 

This is a group of ladies that movies and the media sometimes like to depict in a negative light. They might just be mothers "by law," but they don't have to be. Regardless of  the circumstances around our lives, we can use Mother's Day as a way to make sure these ladies feel loved and supported as members of our families. Sometimes these relationships can seem strained, but it's never too late to strengthen the bonds with these ladies who loved and raised our husbands. This is a time to thank them for loving our husbands, raising them well, being a good grandparent to our babies, and continuously praying for us. It's a great time to thank them for always being available for us and being good examples for us on our journeys as wives and mothers.

10. Step Mothers

Whether your dad remarried after your mother passed away, or your family went through a tough divorce when you were a child, these relationships can occasionally be complex and wrapped around mixed feelings. However, showing grace to this special lady in your life is a special, humbling way to minister. You can show your step mother appreciation and gratitude for loving your dad and taking care of your family. You can thank her for making a difference in your life and loving you and your family in a special, meaningful way. 

10. New Mothers

The sleep-deprived, the unshowered...the ones with stories of food fights, flying forks, playing princess, catching frogs, and kissing boo-boo's, the ones with tales of arguments on the way to church and on the church pew itself...they need a hug and a "good job." Mothers of this generation often feels pressured to follow strict "mommy rules" that would qualify them as good moms. Perhaps these vulnerable mothers are struggling with post-partum depression and feel as if they’re the opposite of the mothers they imagined they would be. Today is a great day to remind these mothers that they are doing a good job. See them where they are and give them grace. Tell them to relax and breathe...that it will get easier and that they will sleep again. Remind them that raising children is an incredibly important job and that God won't forget their diligence and dedication to their families. (Heb. 6:10)

11. Adoptive Mothers

I can't imagine the emotional and financial struggle these moms go through to place a child into their lives. Maybe they didn't struggle with fertility or finances; they may have simply wanted to mother and minister to a child who needed a good home to grow up in. I imagine these ladies miss the time spent without their adopted child, whether the child was adopted right after birth or years later, and I'm sure conversations with other moms about pregnancy, birthing, and nursing can conjure feelings of sadness and confusion. This is a time to validate these mothers and tell them they're doing a good job. We can remind them that they are special and important in their ministry of motherhood.

12. Single Mothers

Mothering is hard, but going it alone is even harder. This group of ladies mother alone in their homes for various reasons. Maybe they're separated, widowed, or going through a rocky divorce. Maybe they're fostering or adopting alone. Maybe they're young and had a choice to have the child they're carrying. We can let these mothers know that we see them, that we appreciate them, and that we are available to support them in any way we can. We can pray and thank God that he knows our needs and that He will meet our needs according to his riches in glory. (Phil. 4:19)

13. The Mother Who Mothered You

This is the time as young mothers that we're beginning to see we're a whole lot like our mothers, and if we look even closer, our daughters are a whole lot like us! (Sorry, Mom. I completely get it now.) Buying into commercialism is part of the fun, but I believe our moms would love to hear how we feel on this day more than any other gift on the planet! No matter if you have an adopted mom, foster mom, step-mom, or another member of your family raised you, Mother's Day is a great day to develop a habit of telling those who mean the most to us that we love them and thank God for them. We can remind our mother of how blessed she is because of how loved and admired she is by her family and friends. We can remind her of how she was there when we failed or needed advice. We can thank her for her sacrificial love and everything else she adds to our lives and our children's lives.

We can make every day Mother's Day by never failing to honor and appreciate these ladies of grace who give us spiritual and physical life.

The celebration doesn't have to end Sunday. 

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Mother's Day: A Day for All Women

Answers to Make You More Aware

Where has April gone? As we wrap up Autism Awareness Month, I'd like to bring some more awareness to some topics that I'm continuously encountering on our journey.

"What is autism?"

Autism is a spectrum. It varies from child to child, adult to adult. It includes deficiencies/complications in social skills, verbal and nonverbal communication, and repetitive behaviors. It could also include medical and mental complications like seizure disorders, anxieties, gastrointestinal disorders, sensitivies, etc.

 As of May 2013, almost to the day of my son's birth, the APA changed the trajectory of the autism diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, (DSM). No longer are there diagnoses of "classic autism," Asperger's, and PDD-NOS. You've probably heard those terms before; however, now, everything falls under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Why the change, though?

• More accurate diagnosis
• Identification of symptoms that may warrant treatment or support services
• Assessment of severity level 

Many on Autism Avenue have mixed feelings about the newer change that lumps everyone together. In fact, it seems like there's a huge divide between severity levels, and not everyone believes these kiddos should be considered the same diagnostically. The good thing about the DSM is that it is an evolving book that develops just like science and the human mind. We could very well see another change in diagnoses in the near future.

"So what kind of autism does your son have?"

When I first began my journey with autism when Isaac was 2, I remember venting on a message board about my fears and suspicions that something wasn't right. I wanted to hear someone say, "Yep. It sounds like autism to me!" or "Nope, maybe it's..." However, some autism moms on the board ripped my questions to shreds and condemned me for all I had said. I've reached out to some moms since then who are more vocal about their children and some who aren't. However, I can read all the books and blogs, research all day long until I'm cross-eyed, and meet new autism mothers, but that still doesn't mean it's not a lonely place for us. All of our kids are different, and we can't expect the same things out of every single one of them. They all have different strengths and weaknesses, sensitivities and triggers. I truly believe finding the right program and right people are absolutely imperative. 

"So are you 'Light it up blue' or #Redinstead?"

You didn't have to look too far during Autism Awareness Month to see that there is a great argument going on in the autiverse.  On one side, we see people celebrating autism and the neurodiversity movement. These people use the #redinstead hashtag and become increasingly disgruntled if they hear anything about curing autism. Most of these folks celebrate their (or their child's) quirks and different abilities. They don't want to be "cured" because it's who they are. Some people, however, would love to see their babies thriving and cured from the "issues" autism has brought into the equation. Some of us really don't know where to stand. 

Most days, I celebrate my son and the fact that he could back up a zero-turn lawn mower into a barn at age 2.5. He knew every shape, color, number, and letter just after his second birthday. I love how he can memorize just about anything, and I love how quick he is to forgive. His big heart makes me feel like superwoman sometimes. But some days, I would really love for his obsessions to cease. I would like for him to lose his fears of certain things...the way he melts down when he is stressed and overstimulated...the way he struggles to have a conversation with people...even for just a month or so. But this argument is out there. For me, I have to lean on God and depend on his understanding and His plans for us; otherwise, I would never be able to make sense of all of this. I have to believe in my heart that every thing God has allowed us to walk through is for a greater purpose: to glorfiy God.

"I just don't see it. He doesn't look autistic."

I've been told this before, and seriously, I don't know how to take it. Sometimes it makes me feel good. The therapy is working. Maybe all the time at church has helped him be more comfortable in crowds and around loud music. Maybe all the love from family has helped him feel more comfortable in his skin. Maybe school is desensitizing him to all of his anxieties and giving him more confidence. But sometimes, it makes me uncomfortable. What if people think this is all a joke and that he's just a discipline problem? What if people think we are bad parents? What if people give up on him? What if people don't think he deserves his services? 

Looks can be deceiving. There aren't many disabilities out there where everyone has a different opinion on what caused it, whose fault it is, why it's here, and how we're going to "fix" it. It can be so overwhelming and exhausting at times. Some days are good and some days aren't so good. You might see us on one of those days and set your opinions on what you saw. These kids' abilities can't be based on first impressions, though. It's going to take time to get to know who they are and how they learn. I promise that it's worth it. 

"You shouldn't have vaccinated him."

This is a hot topic in the media even more than ever at this point. With all the latest measles outbreaks, it's hard to ignore the articles floating around on social media and the nightly news. If one asks autism parents about this topic, it's usually a pretty touchy subject. I've gone back and forth on it, wondering...just wondering what would've happened had I forgone his vaccinations. I battled with so much guilt for a long time over this because I needed something to blame. Over time, I've talked with those who saw a visible change in their child after vaccines. I've talked with some who said it was the amount at one time that set the child's immune system into overdrive, affecting him neurologically. I've talked with some who claim assortative mating and genes have everything to do with everything. I've talked with some who refuse to comment, those who believe God designed their children like that in the womb, and some who believe autism is nothing compared to death by a disease that should've been eradicated but has unabashedly emerged into our population once again. 

Sometimes, I feel that Isaac is that 1 in 59...almost in a sacrificial way, so to speak. I'd like to think of God and Isaac having a conversation before he came into our lives about Isaac being used in a unique way to bring glory to Him. I like to think of those things sometimes because it does away with the blame and postures my thoughts and fears on the one who keeps the Earth rotating in the universe. Are vaccines a government conspiracy? I don't know. We might not ever know exactly what causes autism, but I believe there is a reason behind it and a place in this world for our kids. 

"Have you tried...?"

Autism is out there for people to comment about all the time, and even though it makes me nervous and edgy, I know that for awareness to take place, people have to know our stories, the good and the bad, and they have to know that we are trying. I know sometimes that it looks like we might not be. Sometimes it looks like we're treading water and that we're going no where. I promise we are, though. Things just look different for us. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes it's two steps back and one giant leap forward. You never know what's going to happen developmentally with our kids; it has been this way since birth.

If you suggest something, and we don't try it, we don't mean any harm by it. Most of the time, making suggestions shows us that you care, and we're so thankful you do. We just want you to know, however, that most of us have once existed off the temporary hope from every new therapy, diet miracle, book that we read, and every suggestion only to find that they didn't work. We also can get pretty sensitive when it seems people are looking down on how we parent our special kids. We try so hard. We really do.

Please be patient with us and our kids. Every day is different. 

"What's your story?"

April of last year (when Isaac was almost 5) is when my son actually got diagnosed with ASD, but the journey started around 18 months of age. Isaac wasn't talking or mimicking like he should. It seemed like he was always reaching his milestones after his peers even though they were still technically considered within range. At 18 months, however, we discovered his first repetitive movement. He would walk by things and look at them out of the corner of his eyes. We had no idea what he was doing at first and thought it was so adorable. It never stopped, though. That's when I really started worrying. Things started adding up and making more sense. However, I was still as confused as ever. Definitely a paradox.

At two when the language still wasn't there, we signed him up with Early Intervention,and I'm so thankful we did. I can't stress enough the importance of getting help early on. There is no shame in this. So many parents get worked up over getting their children extra help, but would we shun getting a math tutor for a teenager struggling in math? Absolutely not. It's the same premise. Having that system in place during the long diagnosis season kept us focused on seeing small improvements even when we didn't know what was going on. This kept my heart and mind focused on hope, and these people became more than valuable to us; they became vital--part and parcel of our village.

It has been a roller coaster of therapies and evaluations since. After waiting months and months for an appointment, the first institution we went to told us Isaac didn't have autism and gave us some other diagnoses. They said he would need occupational therapy and physical therapy along with speech obviously...that he had a global developmental delay and a language disorder. I knew some of this sounded right and some of it didn't. I knew I needed more opinions to get all of this straight, and I'm glad I did.

It took two more years to figure out the truth, but by this time, my heart had settled into reality and I knew. At the beginning, though, I was a mess. That time in 2015 when I Googled "Toddler looking at things out of the corner of his eye" and every result came back with "Autism" in the headline, I lost control of myself for about two weeks. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I knew in my heart that at that point, we were forever on a different journey, even if it was just a Google search. Can you believe during this time was when we decided on having another child? I knew that letting the Enemy get to me wasn't going to help make this a reality. God knew, though. God knew the whole time. But I'll save more about Caroline for later.

Getting an appointment can take around a year at some organizations, but Mitchell's Place opened us up a spot that would only take a couple months, and the day Heath and I were set to talk with the psychologist (miraculously on April 2, 2018, Autism Awareness Day,) I knew what the result would be. I knew the timing wasn't a coincidence. In my planner, the month of April's theme was Count It All Joy, and the week of his evaluation's memory verse was James 1:2-4. Definitely not a conincidence.

God was definitely watching over us during that time, and he was there when he was born. He is with us today, and he will be with us tomorrow. 

Are you seeing God working through your situations? I would love to hear your stories.

Thank you, God, for your little signs. If we're not watching for them, we might not see them. Please help us always open our my eyes to notice you, Lord.

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Answers to Make You More Aware

The Music of Missed Milestones

Last night, after we read an Easter book that ended with Jesus sitting at the right hand of God, Caroline asked, "Where is God?" 

Wow. I didn't know what to say or where to begin. How do you break something down so huge and abstract to a little girl of two? But my heart beamed. She had asked me about God, and I was going to say something. 

"He's in heaven...in the sky." 

I probably could've come up with something better, but that's all I managed to say.

"Why?" she replied.

"Well, he's watching over us. He lives in your heart, too."

She didn't ask anything else, so I left it at that. 

But as I left her room, sadness filled my heart. Isaac has never really asked questions about God. One thing about being on the autism spectrum is the struggle to understand abstract concepts like faith. I've often battled with this, wondering if my son will be saved from sin, if he will understand and grasp needing a savior, wondering if God will understand if he doesn't. This is tough stuff.

One of the first things I remember about our journey was seeing a little girl praying around her table one night on Facebook. She was Isaac's age. She had her chubby hands clasped together and her head bowed. She whispered some words while the family cheered and clapped. They were two. My heart began to fill with sadness and jealousy. I kept wondering, "Why can't I ever get Isaac to imitate us? Why doesn't he even want to try? What am I doing wrong? How did I mess this up?"

Thankfully, he's just beginning to understand prayer. For a long time, he struggled with this. If we were praying at church and sometimes at home, it scared him. I don't think he could grasp why all of us were bowing our heads and getting quiet while one person seemingly talked to himself. 

Still, though, things are different for us, and even though it's hard to talk about it, I feel like it's my responsibility to communicate our struggles sometimes, to give our song a melody. 

Some of our songs have slow, steady rhythms that weave into our hearts and minds, staying with us forever. 

These are the bittersweet ones...beautiful because they remind us of where we've been and echo our homesick-for-heaven hearts. They give us hope. They give us promise. 

They crescendo and build with hope only to plummet back into the minor notes to remind us that this is not our home.

These are found in my family's songbook. Sometimes I have trouble turning the page and instead linger on the music of missed milestones. 

Often I find that my voice is rusty, I'm using the wrong songbook, reading the wrong lyrics. 

This can't be right. 

I feel the melodic joy building in one minute, and the next I'm plunging head first into the minor notes all brimming with rough edges and chaos. They sting. They hurt. 

Sometimes I watch my little boy at church and say, "God, what was in your mind when you created this little boy?

Before he was ever in our hearts, I prayed for him. I bargained with God. "Make him different, God," I said. "Make him special. Make him stand out. I promise to give him back to you." 

I imagined a preacher, singer, song writer, or artist. I visualized him possibly in front of the pulpit, singing, teaching, and passing on his legacy and testimony. I envisioned a little one singing in the choir and inviting his friends from school to church. I imagined sweet prayers with chubby hands smashed together.

But life isn't what we always have in mind.

Key change.

Instead, I watch him fidget, lie down, squirm, make noises, and exist uncomfortably in his own skin at times, and I wonder. 

Will this ever make a difference for him? Will he ever understand?

The enemy says that Isaac won't ever understand God or anything on that abstract of a level...that nothing that emotional will ever permeate his realm of thinking...that his sounds, squirms, and over-stimulated mind will always take precedence over the Word...that his literal mind will never grasp the wonder of salvation and community...that he will always be held prisoner by his own mind.

And with this, my voice falls flat. Sometimes I lose it all together.

This is when I'm reminded of Paul, the great martyr and teacher that he was. He often communicated with people and churches from a great distance. He poured out his life and love into his letters, and he depended on these epistles to share the message of God's sovereignty and to give his readers a hope of righteous identity in Christ. Alone in his cell, Paul had to truly believe in something he had absolutely no control over. He had to love those in which he could not communicate or monitor. He  had to love and forgive those he was angry with. He even had to forgive himself. I imagine he felt stuck at times, vulnerable, and powerless. I imagine he felt lost and confused, probably how Abraham felt when God led him to the mountain with Isaac in tow.

But, y'all, the song isn't over. It wasn't then; it isn't now.

"Fulfilled by love," that's what Paul teaches us about in Galatians regarding the old law and Jesus' sacrifice.  He says, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Gal. 5:6

When I walk into the sanctuary and see my church family keeping my little boy so my exhausted heart can hear the Word, I am fulfilled. When his grandparents take my little boy to spend the night at his favorite places, I feel fulfilled. When Isaac's teachers and paras send me messages of encouragement or pictures of him enjoying himself at school, I feel fulfilled. When friends tell me they saw Isaac or interacted with him, knowing it will warm my heart, I feel fulfilled. When my son learns something knew and wants to show me, I feel fulfilled. 

My stubborn heart that lingers on rules and formalities does not fulfill me. My plans don't. My expectations. My broken dreams. The developmental checklists. 

Love. What fulfillment.

God is our composer. He’s the Great Musician. He knows the lyrics to our song, because He penned every word. 

So what is God? A big question with a simple answer.

God is Love, and because of the example of his sacrifice, I too can relinquish any mental or emotional bondage I have over my life and my circumstances. I am free to love and forgive, and I am free to sing about it. 

This is why I sing; maybe you'll want to sing along, too.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace." 2 Tim 1:7-9

I've Been Singing 'Bout my Lord for so many years 
I've Sung when I've been happy 
Even Sung When I've had Tears 
I've even had Folks ask me 
If It's All Been Just A Show 
But the Reason That I'm Singing 
I Want the World to Know 
Chorus 
I Sing Because There is an Empty Grave 
I Sing Because There is the Power to Save 
I Sing Because His Grace is Real to Me 
I Sing Because I Know I'm Not Alone 
I Sing Because Someday I'm Going Home 
Where I Shall Sing Through All Eternity 
Verse 2 
I've Sung to Those Walking Through the Fiery Trial 
I've Watched Their Saddened Faces Turn Into Happy Smiles 
I've Bowed my Head and Whispered 
Lord, Please do the Same For Me 
And I'm Glad That I Can Tell You 
He's Always Given Victory

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The Music of Missed Milestones