My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42: 3-5)
Let me tell you about tears. They come often and seems like at the age of 30, they started flowing. Hormones? Yes, hormones mixed together with two miscarriages within two months. December 1st, 2016, and February 14th, 2017, are two dates that will forever be etched into my mind. All together making three total miscarriages for me and my husband. We went from battling infertility to discovering a new battle with miscarriage. My husband would always refer to me as the strong one, but I began to realize I was tired of being strong. I was tired of being tired.
One day I looked in the mirror after our most recent loss and realized "I look 12 weeks pregnant." But the baby that should be there was no longer there. It was a feeling of true numbness. A feeling I fight every time I look in the mirror. I see an empty, bruised belly that went through a month of daily Heparin injections for nothing. Or was it for nothing? Did the injections get us to 8 weeks this pregnancy or did they hinder? Did I not stop working soon enough? Did I pick up something too heavy? My mind literally goes back and forth to the point I become lost in my own thoughts. Before turning to God, I ran straight to my husband with tears flowing because I wanted to know why. I called my best friend because she's a female. She will give me comfort with my why, right? But the entire time I should have turned straight to God.
I often try to find peace with family and friends and forget my Father in heaven holds all the comfort I am searching for in this moment. When others are telling me, "It will happen in God's timing." (Which by the way is the worst thing to tell someone who just experienced a miscarriage. I mean do we tell someone who just lost a loved one, "I am sorry for your loss but it happened in God's timing."? No we absolutely do not.) God is telling me look up child and hold your focus on me.
He knows and understands more than anyone that I have experienced a true loss. He tells me my tears are ok when in the moment I feel like I am crying all the time, and it is not normal. I find my peace in my alone time when I truly crawl up in his lap and just let it all out. I watched a wonderful movie recently, and one of my favorite scenes was when God bottled up the dad's tears. He was saving those tears for a special moment. I thought WOW. My tears are being saved up by my God for a wonderful and special moment in my life. Those same tears I mentioned at the beginning are going to turn into joyful tears.
I want to share my story with miscarriage and infertility because I felt so alone when the process started. However, I replaced the feeling of being alone with Jesus. I turned my fear into praying for others going through the EXACT same thing I am going through. I turned my doubt into recognizing all of the many things God has blessed me with in my short 30 years of life on this Earth. My godmother told me, "You will find your healing in praying for others." And she was so right.
One day I looked in the mirror after our most recent loss and realized "I look 12 weeks pregnant." But the baby that should be there was no longer there. It was a feeling of true numbness. A feeling I fight every time I look in the mirror. I see an empty, bruised belly that went through a month of daily Heparin injections for nothing. Or was it for nothing? Did the injections get us to 8 weeks this pregnancy or did they hinder? Did I not stop working soon enough? Did I pick up something too heavy? My mind literally goes back and forth to the point I become lost in my own thoughts. Before turning to God, I ran straight to my husband with tears flowing because I wanted to know why. I called my best friend because she's a female. She will give me comfort with my why, right? But the entire time I should have turned straight to God.
I often try to find peace with family and friends and forget my Father in heaven holds all the comfort I am searching for in this moment. When others are telling me, "It will happen in God's timing." (Which by the way is the worst thing to tell someone who just experienced a miscarriage. I mean do we tell someone who just lost a loved one, "I am sorry for your loss but it happened in God's timing."? No we absolutely do not.) God is telling me look up child and hold your focus on me.
He knows and understands more than anyone that I have experienced a true loss. He tells me my tears are ok when in the moment I feel like I am crying all the time, and it is not normal. I find my peace in my alone time when I truly crawl up in his lap and just let it all out. I watched a wonderful movie recently, and one of my favorite scenes was when God bottled up the dad's tears. He was saving those tears for a special moment. I thought WOW. My tears are being saved up by my God for a wonderful and special moment in my life. Those same tears I mentioned at the beginning are going to turn into joyful tears.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)
I know everyone grieves differently. Through my grieving process, I have spoken with women going through infertility and recent miscarriages, and I often hear the word bitter. Of course all of the women are not proud to admit it, but it is very common. I have to be honest. Bitterness is truly one of the hardest things for me to fight off because it is one of the enemy’s best tricks. I am currently in a small group, and we had a five week study on the four blockages of the heart.
1. Selfishness
2. Bitterness
3. Rejection
4. Evil thoughts
I was asked which one of the four was I having the hardest time giving up control of in my life. I quickly answered bitterness. In my head I am justifying my bitterness. I am bitter because I will never know what my babies would have looked like. I am bitter because I never heard my baby’s heartbeat. I am bitter I never felt my baby kick. I am bitter I did not get to experience those moments with my husband, family, and friends. The most bitter of all bitterness is to get that punch to the stomach when someone announces her pregnancy. The enemy knows I am weak and wants me to sink and spiral out of control. However, I have other plans for the enemy. I will choose KINDNESS.
Because through kindness, I can be a witness to others. Because if I remain bitter I will be more unyielding than a fortified city which we read in Proverbs 18:19.
So how did I come to this realization? Josh and I had a rough start to a week. It was actually my first week back to work after being on medical leave for a month. We are not proud to admit this, but we often miss prayer service on Wednesday nights. So I asked him if could we have a date night and go to prayer. We walked in and found our nice little spot in the back with open seats on both sides of us. The music began to start, and out of the corner of my eye. I saw a man and his wife walk up with their baby and stand 3 seats from me. Sadly, my first thought was "Why is that baby not in the nursery?" And my second thought was “Really God? Why?” But soon the worship music started and I witnessed the man begin to sway back and forth, look up toward Heaven, and begin to worship. It all began to make sense. The Lord knew exactly what he was doing. I had never met the couple, so I do not know their story. But what if they have battled infertility as well? There was no question the man was truly praising God for his little miracle in his arms. Either way it was a beautiful image given to me by God because I chose kindness over bitterness.
Because through kindness, I can be a witness to others. Because if I remain bitter I will be more unyielding than a fortified city which we read in Proverbs 18:19.
So how did I come to this realization? Josh and I had a rough start to a week. It was actually my first week back to work after being on medical leave for a month. We are not proud to admit this, but we often miss prayer service on Wednesday nights. So I asked him if could we have a date night and go to prayer. We walked in and found our nice little spot in the back with open seats on both sides of us. The music began to start, and out of the corner of my eye. I saw a man and his wife walk up with their baby and stand 3 seats from me. Sadly, my first thought was "Why is that baby not in the nursery?" And my second thought was “Really God? Why?” But soon the worship music started and I witnessed the man begin to sway back and forth, look up toward Heaven, and begin to worship. It all began to make sense. The Lord knew exactly what he was doing. I had never met the couple, so I do not know their story. But what if they have battled infertility as well? There was no question the man was truly praising God for his little miracle in his arms. Either way it was a beautiful image given to me by God because I chose kindness over bitterness.
My message is to encourage women experiencing the emptiness of a loss to take three daily steps:
1. Submit yourself to God
2. Close any open doors
3. Confront your enemy daily PRAYER! PRAYER! PRAYER!
I have daily confrontations with the devil. Whether I am in my prayer closet or driving down the road. I have to remind myself… YOU ARE NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR…YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! I know the pain of the loss will be with me until the day I die, but I will not allow the pain to overshadow all of my many blessings.
When a negative thought wants to enter your mind, slam the door shut by shouting out a blessing. Every morning put on your armor of God and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom.
When a negative thought wants to enter your mind, slam the door shut by shouting out a blessing. Every morning put on your armor of God and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom.
“Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not again flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:11-19)
"An Angel from the Book of Life wrote down our baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for earth."
This is beautiful sweet girl. May God co to us to bless your sweet soul
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