This Is What Motherhood Looks Like

Mom Fail #245: When you have warmer clothes on than your kids. 

It's a known fact that motherhood is when we are our most beautiful, but oddly enough, we're the last to know it.

Kids, when I look at my reflection, I see a woman who needs to slow down. I see wrinkles and gray hairs that weren't there two years ago. My back aches when I pick you up. My eyes get blurry when I stare at a screen too long. I see a floor that needs to be mopped and crumbs that need to be swept up. Like most moms, I get lost in my responsibilities. I try to get everything done with a big smile on my face, but honestly, I often feel like a mess rather than a success. It's like I can feel myself aging as I sit here and type, and I often question if I'm enough for the three of y'all.

How do I teach you the things I don't know? How do I protect you from the unseen, the unknown? How do I prepare you for the world ahead that I can't foresee? How do I give you what I don't have? How do I make you confident without making you arrogant? How do I make you strong without taking away your sensitivity? Caroline, how do I make you feel worthy without teaching you to base your entire worth on your appearance like our culture insists I do? Isaac, how do we show you how to be a responsible man without making you grow up too fast?

The enormity of my inadequacy has never hit me harder than it has this past year. I feel like all of my flaws and shortcomings are written on neon sticky notes that are strategically placed all over me so that everyone can see. This one says, I wish my life away waiting for the weekend. Another reads, I'm getting closer to 31, and it scares me. And there's more: 

• I spend too much time keeping up with people on social media. 
• I drink too much coffee. 
• I accidentally washed a diaper in a load of clothes the other day. 
• I don't always love my job. 
• I have trouble saying no. 
• I worry about my kids so much sometimes that it physically makes me sick. 
• Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom just to breathe for a few minutes. 
• I worry about when my kids are going to realize that I don't have it all together.

Motherhood has many faces, but when I look past them and instead focus on your faces so innocent and full of love, I am reminded of my beauty. I am reminded of a beautiful love story where a Savior reached down, looked on me with love, and told me I was enough. I'm reminded of the cross--a mark symbolizing Jesus's great sacrifice when he paid the penalty of our sin. I am reminded of the beautiful example God has set for me as a parent based on the love Jesus has for us. I am reminded that for every ounce of love I have for you two, God loves you even more. The inexplicable beauty in God's love and forgiveness is greater than every love story and every love song you will ever hear.

You don't see the sticky finger prints. You don't measure my worth based on the clothes I wear or if we eat on fine China or not. You don't notice the dirt on your face. You don't even notice that my legs are prickly or that I let the sink get too full.

But you do see when I'm not smiling, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated. You cry when you want to be held. You reach for me to make you happy.  You do notice when I'm not there. You curl up in my lap because God chose me to make you feel safe. You know exactly where you're wanted and loved.

And for that I'm thankful. Because of your love, I feel beautiful. 

So, kids, I'll keep singing songs with you. I'll keep letting you eat your bath bubbles until you get too grown to realize they taste terrible. I'll keep letting you explore and play in the mud. I'll keep rocking babies with you. I'll keep putting you on top of my shoulders until you get too heavy. I'll keep reading you stories about trucks that go Beep, Beep, Beep. I'll keep rocking you to sleep until you get too big.

And mamas, if you find yourself feeding your kids on the floor, you're beautiful. When you're singing out of tune with your kids in the car, you're beautiful. When you're wearing your husband's old sweatpants and t-shirts, you're beautiful. When you're cringing over your post-baby body, you're beautiful. When you're shaking up a bottle of formula or nursing your baby, you're beautiful. If you're serving up organic kale chips or Goldfish, you're beautiful. If you're in survival mode today, mama, you are beautiful. 

When you love your family, you're the most beautiful thing in the world to them. 

There's no amount of makeup, mouth wash, weight loss, hair dye, or wrinkle cream that will make our children love us any more than they already do. Our love is enough.

And that, mama, is beautiful.

"Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5: 1-2

I wonder if God is reminded of his beauty when He looks at me. I wonder if he can see through the mess and see the glory of his grace and mercy when he looks upon my face. 

What a stirring thought. Let's focus on this verse this Easter week--every week--so that when the Lord looks upon us, He can see his love and forgiveness--his sacrifice--revealed within us.

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This Is What Motherhood Looks Like