This Is What Motherhood Looks Like

Mom Fail #245: When you have warmer clothes on than your kids. 

It's a known fact that motherhood is when we are our most beautiful, but oddly enough, we're the last to know it.

Kids, when I look at my reflection, I see a woman who needs to slow down. I see wrinkles and gray hairs that weren't there two years ago. My back aches when I pick you up. My eyes get blurry when I stare at a screen too long. I see a floor that needs to be mopped and crumbs that need to be swept up. Like most moms, I get lost in my responsibilities. I try to get everything done with a big smile on my face, but honestly, I often feel like a mess rather than a success. It's like I can feel myself aging as I sit here and type, and I often question if I'm enough for the three of y'all.

How do I teach you the things I don't know? How do I protect you from the unseen, the unknown? How do I prepare you for the world ahead that I can't foresee? How do I give you what I don't have? How do I make you confident without making you arrogant? How do I make you strong without taking away your sensitivity? Caroline, how do I make you feel worthy without teaching you to base your entire worth on your appearance like our culture insists I do? Isaac, how do we show you how to be a responsible man without making you grow up too fast?

The enormity of my inadequacy has never hit me harder than it has this past year. I feel like all of my flaws and shortcomings are written on neon sticky notes that are strategically placed all over me so that everyone can see. This one says, I wish my life away waiting for the weekend. Another reads, I'm getting closer to 31, and it scares me. And there's more: 

• I spend too much time keeping up with people on social media. 
• I drink too much coffee. 
• I accidentally washed a diaper in a load of clothes the other day. 
• I don't always love my job. 
• I have trouble saying no. 
• I worry about my kids so much sometimes that it physically makes me sick. 
• Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom just to breathe for a few minutes. 
• I worry about when my kids are going to realize that I don't have it all together.

Motherhood has many faces, but when I look past them and instead focus on your faces so innocent and full of love, I am reminded of my beauty. I am reminded of a beautiful love story where a Savior reached down, looked on me with love, and told me I was enough. I'm reminded of the cross--a mark symbolizing Jesus's great sacrifice when he paid the penalty of our sin. I am reminded of the beautiful example God has set for me as a parent based on the love Jesus has for us. I am reminded that for every ounce of love I have for you two, God loves you even more. The inexplicable beauty in God's love and forgiveness is greater than every love story and every love song you will ever hear.

You don't see the sticky finger prints. You don't measure my worth based on the clothes I wear or if we eat on fine China or not. You don't notice the dirt on your face. You don't even notice that my legs are prickly or that I let the sink get too full.

But you do see when I'm not smiling, when I'm tired, when I'm frustrated. You cry when you want to be held. You reach for me to make you happy.  You do notice when I'm not there. You curl up in my lap because God chose me to make you feel safe. You know exactly where you're wanted and loved.

And for that I'm thankful. Because of your love, I feel beautiful. 

So, kids, I'll keep singing songs with you. I'll keep letting you eat your bath bubbles until you get too grown to realize they taste terrible. I'll keep letting you explore and play in the mud. I'll keep rocking babies with you. I'll keep putting you on top of my shoulders until you get too heavy. I'll keep reading you stories about trucks that go Beep, Beep, Beep. I'll keep rocking you to sleep until you get too big.

And mamas, if you find yourself feeding your kids on the floor, you're beautiful. When you're singing out of tune with your kids in the car, you're beautiful. When you're wearing your husband's old sweatpants and t-shirts, you're beautiful. When you're cringing over your post-baby body, you're beautiful. When you're shaking up a bottle of formula or nursing your baby, you're beautiful. If you're serving up organic kale chips or Goldfish, you're beautiful. If you're in survival mode today, mama, you are beautiful. 

When you love your family, you're the most beautiful thing in the world to them. 

There's no amount of makeup, mouth wash, weight loss, hair dye, or wrinkle cream that will make our children love us any more than they already do. Our love is enough.

And that, mama, is beautiful.

"Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5: 1-2

I wonder if God is reminded of his beauty when He looks at me. I wonder if he can see through the mess and see the glory of his grace and mercy when he looks upon my face. 

What a stirring thought. Let's focus on this verse this Easter week--every week--so that when the Lord looks upon us, He can see his love and forgiveness--his sacrifice--revealed within us.

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

This Is What Motherhood Looks Like

Guest Post with Kayla Coley: Purple Flowers and Buttercups

Purple Flowers and Buttercups

My childhood was a country girl’s version of unicorns and rainbows; I call it purple flowers and buttercups. Granny says Haley and I picked every pretty flower on the hillside, including the ones in her flowerbed. My childhood was filled with days spent in the woods building club houses, playing a good game of backyard ball, or sledding on the fresh-cut hayfield (no snow required). Life was easy and times were good; Momma made sure of it. She was not just my momma but was a mother to our step-siblings, Tonia and Lacie, and a mother to all seven of her nieces and nephews. Just ask them and they will tell you: Aunt Glida was their biggest fan.

Her children rise up, and call her blessed… Proverbs 31:28

Another Buttercup Picker

Some children are not as fortunate as others, and they have to deal with unfair situations. That’s how Jonna came into our lives. Jonna was the great niece of my step-dad, Phillip.  Phillip had learned that Jonna was having to deal with a bad situation, so she came to live with us at age five. Jonna was full of life, a stinker, and a buttercup picker. Long after my days of flower-picking, Jonna came along to carry on the tradition of keeping the flowers on our hillside off the ground and in vases.  Jonna’s dad came around and she spent a lot of time with him, but for the most part, Jonna was with us. After two years of staying with us quite a bit, Jonna asked for her own room. Because Momma was in the business of making all kids happy, she gave Jonna my old room and fixed it up just for her.

Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for such is the kingdom of God. Mark 10:14

Purple Flowers Don’t Last Forever

April 5, 2008

5:00 p.m. Lacie left for prom, and I suggested that Jonna call her neighbor friend and ask if she could sleep over.

9:00 p.m.  I was feeling a little afraid so I chose to go get in Kyle’s bed and just wait on him to come home.

11:00 p.m. Kyle came home from Lindsey’s and went upstairs to check on the girls who were still playing in Jonna’s new room.

12:30 a.m. Lacie returns from prom and goes up to see the girls who are playing but are very tired and ready for bed.

4:00 a.m. Kyle and Jesse leave for a turkey hunting trip down south.

5:30 a.m. Phillip leaves for work.

6:00 a.m. Hell comes to life.

“Girls get up the house is on fire!” Momma screamed as she turned the corner to run up the stairs where Jonna and her friend were sleeping. Lacie and I met in the hall panicking as we ran outside. As we exited the patio door, we turned to confirm that our worst day was taking place. Flames had engulfed our home. To say we were panicked would be an understatement. I asked Lacie to get in her car and go to Granny’s to call 911. Although I promised Lacie I wouldn’t, I went back in the house to look for my momma. I ran to the stairs, which were completely gone, and screamed for my momma. I begged God to please give me my momma. All of a sudden I heard the most beautiful sound; it was a crash onto the front porch. Momma always told me that if I was ever upstairs and the house caught on fire, I should kick out a little spot in the attic, and I would land on the front porch. I raced outside and as I turned the corner, I realized I had not heard Momma and the girls fall onto the front porch; I had heard the porch swing fall. Uncle Jeff came running up with the local cop and asked where Momma was. I told them she went upstairs to get the girls. They both tried to get into the house.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Mark 15:13

Momma Taught Me to Pray

Momma didn’t have all the right answers; she often became frustrated with the perils of life. She was not a good cook, keeping the laundry up was a nightmare with four kids, and you can forget keeping the house clean with four to eight ballgames a week. When things were good, Momma prayed. When things were bad, Momma prayed. She also taught us to pray. So as I crumbled in our yard on April 5th, I prayed just like Momma taught me. I prayed God please give me a miracle. I repeated it over and over until Coach Scott physically picked me up and carried me away from my burning home.

The days that followed April 5th are hard to remember, though I do remember praying. I prayed Lord please let me die, I can’t handle the pain, please let me die. One night as I was praying this, The Lord spoke to my heart and said “Kayla you prayed for a miracle that day in the yard. I gave you a miracle. I spared you. Now go and do something about it."

The Lord is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in trouble. Be still and know that I am God.

Psalms 46:1 & 10

The Flowers Still Bloom

No matter how my heart breaks, the world keeps turning, people keep living, and those little purple flowers still bloom every spring. Most people would call those purple flowers weeds, but I love them. They are the first sign of spring after many long dark winter days. On my day of hell, my yard was filled with loving people as I begged for miracles, and mercy bowed down on my knees in a bed of purple flowers. Those flowers remind me of my momma who taught me to love, forgive, and to pray. She taught me that Jesus is the answer and that He alone is my refuge. She warned me that life would not be easy, and she was right.

Flowers started blooming in my personal life when I met my husband Jason. He is my own personal purple weed after a lot of dark days.  He makes me happy, and he loves and takes care of me. He also made me a momma.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalms 30:5

Make Me a Momma

Almost a year ago, I became a momma. It was tough the day I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to call my momma and tell her. Lord knows she would have been thrilled to have another grandbaby. I cried myself to sleep several nights as my hormones raged and I longed to talk to Momma. I was spending the night with Kyle and Lindsey just after I had told them I was pregnant, and I dreamed that Momma and I were talking at a volleyball game. After some conversation, I asked Momma if she had met Klaire, my niece. Momma laughed and told me she picked her out. I woke up knowing and believing I was going to have a girl that Momma had picked out, and I knew I would name her after Momma.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and my soul knoweth right well. Psalms 139:14

We Will Call Her Kollins Gail

Kollins was born May 26, 2016. She looks at me and my heart melts. Days can be tough when you are a momma and have no clue what to do. When I find myself in these situations, I want to call my momma.  I have found that God gives mommas special instincts to raise children. With those instincts, I give Kollins the promise of a better tomorrow. I do not have all the answers and I don’t pretend to have them, so when I mess up or make a parenting error, I wipe our tears and promise to do better the next time. To be honest, I am a lot like my own momma. I can’t cook well, laundry is the bane of my existence, and a clean house is out of the question (especially when we are in softball season). I feed Kollins chocolate biscuits, let her drink coke from a straw, and sometimes we have ice cream for supper. I am not a good Pinterest mom, and my home doesn’t have the latest Leap Frog or Baby Einstein gadgets; we have 150 pie pans and wooden spoons that Aunt Rachel sent for Christmas, and Kollins plays with them for hours at a time.

For me there is beauty in simplicity. Kollins may not have free range chicken with asparagus for dinner, but I am certain, she knows that I love her. She will not remember if our house was clean or if her clothes were dry cleaned or what brand shoes she wore, but she will remember that her momma played with her, that we got in the floor and made pies, rocked on the back porch, and sang song after song. She will remember that we read stories and made up some, too. She will know that her momma kisses her goodnight and prays for happy days to continue. She will know my momma’s love because I will love her like my momma loved me.

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:28

Sometimes I Still Smell Ashes

Broken hearts can beat on forever, and on days like graduation, my wedding day, the day I found out I was pregnant, and when I gave birth, I smelled ashes. I smell ashes every time our softball team takes the field and at every State Volleyball Tournament. In the still of the night, when I am all alone, I smell ashes. I smell ashes when my heart aches and my mind can’t function because of the pain I hide behind a smile. I smell ashes when a woman rocks my baby to sleep and I long for it to be my momma rocking her. Most of the time when I smell ashes, I look for family. I text my husband to ask about his day, I call my brother just to say I love you, I visit Granny, or I call up Lindsey and meet her and Klaire.

I still take Kollins over to the hillside where I grew up. I sit her at the edge of the hayfield and let tears roll down my face. I think of all the times we jumped hay bales, rode four-wheelers, battled ghost runners, and I think of all the lessons Momma taught us. I long for Kollins to know that life and her grandmother. Because I know it isn’t possible for Kollins to know my momma, I work hard to make sure I am a good momma and that Kollins is taken care of and loved. Now I understand the way Momma loved me, and I pray Kollins will be able to see how much I love her.

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalms 37: 4

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

Guest Post with Kayla Coley: Purple Flowers and Buttercups

Guest Post with Amber Meigs Drummond: Contentedness in a Discontented World

Contentment is a commodity that is scarce in the world we are living in. People aren’t content with their marriages, jobs, or how much money they make. The world never seems to be satisfied with what they have, but are always looking for the next big thing. We tend to grumble and complain when things don’t go our way. In his commentary on Philippians, John MacArthur writes, “Discontentment and complaining are attitudes that can become so habitual that they are hardly noticed.” He goes on to say that these sins indicate a lack of trust in God’s will, wisdom, grace, and love.

Now, I should say that contentment is not the same thing as happiness. We can be happy without being content, and we can be content without always being happy. We’re not going to be happy every single minute of every day, but we CAN choose to be content. However, the only way we can find true contentment is through Jesus. I feel like God has given me the gift of contentment, but I do still have to choose to be content. I’ll share a few examples of ways my family and I have become content in certain situations.

I met my husband Cory when I was 15 years old. We got married three and a half years later, and we celebrated ten years of marriage this past December. We now have 3 beautiful children (Carson-8, Alaina-5, & Aralyn- 21 months). I have been and will always be content with the fact that he is the only man I’ve ever dated (which is a very strange concept nowadays). I don’t feel like I missed out on anything though, because I know that God made me for him. We balance each other out perfectly. For example, God knew I would need a man with time management skills because I have none. Cory doesn’t like change, and I adapt well to change. Cory likes routines and I’m more “go with the flow.” Cory was a worrier (he’s gotten better) and I don’t worry- like hardly ever.

I think contentment in God’s plan helps me not worry. There have been a few times when I felt bad for not worrying. When Carson was about 6 months old, Cory started pastoring the church we still attend. Within a few months of being there and by God’s providence, a doctor found a knot on Cory’s thyroid. The doctor removed it the day before our third anniversary, and it turned out to be cancer. With a few treatments, everything turned out fine and he’s been cancer free for almost 7 years now! Sometimes I wonder if I’m just apathetic, but I really had no doubts that God would work everything out for good.

When our second child was born, we decided that it would be beneficial for our family if I stayed home with our children. I had worked as a teacher for a year and a half so we were used to two incomes. We knew that if we were going to make this work, we would have to make sacrifices and cut out several expenses- like going out to eat a lot and just buying things we didn’t need. I started making my kids’ birthday cakes instead of buying them. I have a nice camera so I take their pictures instead of having them made. Instead of going on shopping sprees, I started going to consignment sales to get my kids’ clothes and shoes. (I always go on the half off days and find several really cute clothes!) My kids are even content in this: Alaina LOVES getting “new” clothes and shoes from Birmingham! What we’ve done may not work for your family, but our family is content in living this way.

When Cory and I found out we were having a third child, we began discussing homeschooling. We had thought about it a little but hadn’t made any definite decisions. We wanted a Christian education for our children and knew we couldn’t afford to send all three kids to a Christian school in our area that we had been considering on one income, so we started looking into homeschool programs and curriculums. Through friends, God led us to Classical Conversations and we haven’t looked back! I love that I am their teacher, and that we get to spend all this time together and learn all of our material, which centers on knowing God and making Him known. Now, I’m not saying some days aren’t stressful or that my house is spotless (with 3 kids at home all day, I think that would be impossible!). On days when I struggle, He gives me the strength to overcome, and I am content that this is where God wants me to be right now. This is the ministry He has given me and I must use it to bring Him glory!

Contentment is an internal decision we have to make. It would be easy to always want more things, designer clothes, the best phones, or for the next stage of our lives to get here quickly. But, we are commanded to be content (Hebrews 13:5). So, how can we choose contentment?

• ·         Be confident in God’s providence in our lives and be satisfied with little. Know that He’ll provide for our needs (not wants) as long as we live.
• ·         Experience and spiritual maturity can help us learn to be content in any circumstance.
• ·         Realize that God will strengthen us through His power, but only if we are living lives of obedience. “Those whose continued sin has led them into the pit of despair cannot expect God to bring them contentment from their circumstances,” states John MacArthur.
• ·         Lastly, be concerned for others. If we live only for ourselves, we would only be content when everything is exactly as we want it to be- which will never happen: we will always want more.

We have to rest in God’s sovereignty - nothing is outside of His control. “He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us” (Acts 17:26-27). Do you see the awesomeness? God, the Creator of the universe, determined when and where YOU would live…He placed you in the exact time you’re in, with your family, in your region, etc. so you could bring Him the glory that He deserves. Also, that hopefully we would repent of our wicked sins and turn to God to place our faith in the work of His Son Jesus Christ on the cross for the salvation of our souls. He lived a perfect, sinless life, became the sacrifice and took on the punishment we deserve, and defeated death so we can live as one with Him. How can we, if we are children of God, not be content in that assurance?

As a closing thought, as Christians we must not look like the world, we must stand out, we must refrain from complaining, and we must be content so that we can be lights in the world.

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,” Philippians 2:14-15.

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction,” Philippians 4:11-14.

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

Guest Post with Amber Meigs Drummond: Contentedness in a Discontented World

Humble Pie: Sometimes We All Need a Slice

Ashley Oliver Photography

On Facebook the other day, a friend shared a story about her daughter humiliating her. Honestly, when I began reading, I thought the story was going to be somewhere on the lines of her little girl sharing a piece of information to the world that would be somewhat embarrassing. (If my memory serves me right, I believe I did this to my dear ole mama from time to time, but I digress.)

However, she went on to explain that she didn't believe her daughter when she said she had let the bath water out of the bath tub, but she actually had. This, in turn, made the mom feel like she needed to apologize. Because of her mistake, she took the time to sit down and tell her daughter that sometimes mamas and daddies mess up and need to apologize. So actually, the daughter humiliated her mama in a way that left the mother humbled, and humility is a perfect place for God to work.

I'm thankful for this lady's honesty in sharing this little bit of her life because how many of us have been wrong before with our kiddos? This little story sent me straight back in time to when I felt the need to apologize to my little boy for a mistake that I had made.

Isaac has some difficulty expressing his thoughts sometimes, so he doesn't always get out what he's thinking. He had told me he needed to use the bathroom, but when we got in there, it appeared as if he had already gone! I was so upset because we had worked so hard with potty training (a year ago this month to be exact), and here I was thinking that we were taking a step backward. So I got on my knees, looked at him in the eyes, and said, "Isaac, did you go potty in your pants? Tell me the truth. Did you?"

He just stared at me and said, "No."

I kept pressing him and asking him, "No, you're going to tell me. Did you do it? You know you're not supposed to. You go to the bathroom in the potty. You know that."

The tone of my voice had him tearing up. "No," he said again as he shook his head. He just stared at me and then at the ground. He looked defeated. He looked like my heart felt.

By this time, I was too frustrated to argue. Fear was gripping me. We had just brought Caroline home, and he had been having some trouble adjusting. It seemed like he wasn't eating hardly anything at all, craving attention, he was starting to wake up at night sometimes, and now this? Potty training was something I was not prepared to tackle again. It had made me a nervous wreck the first time! (One hormonal meltdown, coming right up!)

"Lord, I can't handle this, too. Not with a new baby."  I took a deep breath and looked at his pants. They were obviously wet. I had seen all I needed to see, right? The truth was there, and my mind had made itself up. But when I looked at the back of his pants and underneath, I saw that he was dry. I looked at him again and said, "Isaac, do you have to go to the bathroom?"

He nodded his head for yes.

Then it dawned on me. Relief. He had been playing in the rain puddles outside, and because he likes to get down on his belly and push his trucks, the front of his pants and bottom of his shirt were wet. I should've seen this, but I was too tired, too exhausted to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions. How often do we do this with God? How often has the truth been right in front of us, but our vision has been clouded with fear and anxiety, causing us to search for our own answers and rely on our own superficial conclusions? How often do we forget to stop and let God take the reins?

So, in tears, I got down on my knees and said, "Isaac, why couldn't you just tell me? Why couldn't you just say, 'No, Mama. I didn't potty in my pants.' Why didn't you just tell me? I'm so sorry."

And after this, he looked me straight in the eyes and said so clearly, "I don't know what to say."

In that moment I sat back against the tub, laughed/cried, and began thinking, "Lord, he told the truth! How many times have I done this? How many times have I been wrong as a parent? How many times have I jumped to conclusions instead of simply trusting?" I had made something small and insignificant into a mountain I wasn't mentally and emotionally prepared to climb. I felt terrible and found myself questioning, yet again, my ability to be a good mom.

After he went to the bathroom, we hugged, and with a smile he said, "Wanna go outside?"

How easily he forgot my mistake. How innocent his heart. How strong his love. 

That teachable moment turned into a discovery of God's miraculous, healing love, the power of our relationship, and the extent of his love for me, for us all. How many times has He willingly forgiven me and wiped away my tears, always showing me the innocence of a child when I show him my faults...faults He is already aware of but promises to forget once I beg him to? How many times has his love been revealed to me when I crumble and say, "I'm sorry."? But that's the beauty of God. He desires our humility--that of a child to be exact!

"And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me." Matthew 18: 3-5

Ladies, my prayer for us today is that like the little children Jesus speaks of in Matthew, we find the humility within us to kneel at Jesus's feet for every desire, every need...that we discover God's teachable moments are all around us, each and every day. How thankful I am of Jesus modeling what forgiveness and grace looks like for me--for my sake. Because of his healing, forgiving nature, I can search within to find those same qualities in myself. Because of his example of grace and mercy, I can recognize in myself the kind of wife and parent I need to be. Does that mean I won't ever have to work at it? No. Does that mean I won't mess up? Absolutely not! Psalms 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." He is more than enough! When we lose control...lose faith...He is there to mend our flesh and our hearts.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." Just as my heart pleaded for my little boy to explain the truth that day, God wants us to come to him and pour our hearts out to him. Our babies need to see us needing God, calling on him, seeking his help, wisdom, discipline, and forgiveness when we slip. This way, they will willingly find the desire to welcome that into their own lives with us as their parents, and ultimately, with God as their savior. 

"Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea." Micah 7: 18-19

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

Humble Pie: Sometimes We All Need a Slice

Guest Post with Jessica Roberts: Count It All as Joy

Growing up I was such a tomboy. I never wanted Barbie dolls or baby dolls…gross! I wanted a four wheeler, a new softball bat, Nintendo 64, any kind of sports apparel was right down my alley. I still have scars on my legs from years of volleyball, basketball, and softball games. But you know growing up not being a “girly girl” did not change the fact I still dreamed of one day finding my prince, having children, designing my dream home, and having my life all together by 25 (the magic number). I grew up around amazing and strong women, and I desired to one day be an amazing mother. I never thought that becoming that amazing mother would be harder than I could have ever imagined.

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42: 3-5)

Let me tell you about tears. They come often and seems like at the age of 30, they started flowing. Hormones? Yes, hormones mixed together with two miscarriages within two months. December 1st, 2016, and February 14th, 2017, are two dates that will forever be etched into my mind. All together making three total miscarriages for me and my husband. We went from battling infertility to discovering a new battle with miscarriage. My husband would always refer to me as the strong one, but I began to realize I was tired of being strong. I was tired of being tired. 

One day I looked in the mirror after our most recent loss and realized "I look 12 weeks pregnant." But the baby that should be there was no longer there. It was a feeling of true numbness. A feeling I fight every time I look in the mirror. I see an empty, bruised belly that went through a month of daily Heparin injections for nothing. Or was it for nothing? Did the injections get us to 8 weeks this pregnancy or did they hinder? Did I not stop working soon enough? Did I pick up something too heavy? My mind literally goes back and forth to the point I become lost in my own thoughts. Before turning to God, I ran straight to my husband with tears flowing because I wanted to know why. I called my best friend because she's a female. She will give me comfort with my why, right? But the entire time I should have turned straight to God. 

I often try to find peace with family and friends and forget my Father in heaven holds all the comfort I am searching for in this moment. When others are telling me, "It will happen in God's timing." (Which by the way is the worst thing to tell someone who just experienced a miscarriage. I mean do we tell someone who just lost a loved one, "I am sorry for your loss but it happened in God's timing."? No we absolutely do not.) God is telling me look up child and hold your focus on me. 

He knows and understands more than anyone that I have experienced a true loss. He tells me my tears are ok when in the moment I feel like I am crying all the time, and it is not normal. I find my peace in my alone time when I truly crawl up in his lap and just let it all out. I watched a wonderful movie recently, and one of my favorite scenes was when God bottled up the dad's tears. He was saving those tears for a special moment. I thought WOW. My tears are being saved up by my God for a wonderful and special moment in my life. Those same tears I mentioned at the beginning are going to turn into joyful tears. 

I want to share my story with miscarriage and infertility because I felt so alone when the process started. However, I replaced the feeling of being alone with Jesus. I turned my fear into praying for others going through the EXACT same thing I am going through. I turned my doubt into recognizing all of the many things God has blessed me with in my short 30 years of life on this Earth. My godmother told me, "You will find your healing in praying for others." And she was so right. 

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

I know everyone grieves differently. Through my grieving process, I have spoken with women going through infertility and recent miscarriages, and I often hear the word bitter. Of course all of the women are not proud to admit it, but it is very common. I have to be honest. Bitterness is truly one of the hardest things for me to fight off because it is one of the enemy’s best tricks. I am currently in a small group, and we had a five week study on the four blockages of the heart. 

1. Selfishness

2. Bitterness

3. Rejection

4. Evil thoughts

I was asked which one of the four was I having the hardest time giving up control of in my life. I quickly answered bitterness. In my head I am justifying my bitterness. I am bitter because I will never know what my babies would have looked like. I am bitter because I never heard my baby’s heartbeat. I am bitter I never felt my baby kick. I am bitter I did not get to experience those moments with my husband, family, and friends. The most bitter of all bitterness is to get that punch to the stomach when someone announces her pregnancy. The enemy knows I am weak and wants me to sink and spiral out of control. However, I have other plans for the enemy. I will choose KINDNESS. 

Because through kindness, I can be a witness to others. Because if I remain bitter I will be more unyielding than a fortified city which we read in Proverbs 18:19. 

So how did I come to this realization? Josh and I had a rough start to a week. It was actually my first week back to work after being on medical leave for a month. We are not proud to admit this, but we often miss prayer service on Wednesday nights. So I asked him if could we have a date night and go to prayer. We walked in and found our nice little spot in the back with open seats on both sides of us. The music began to start, and out of the corner of my eye. I saw a man and his wife walk up with their baby and stand 3 seats from me. Sadly, my first thought was "Why is that baby not in the nursery?" And my second thought was “Really God? Why?” But soon the worship music started and I witnessed the man begin to sway back and forth, look up toward Heaven, and begin to worship. It all began to make sense. The Lord knew exactly what he was doing. I had never met the couple, so I do not know their story. But what if they have battled infertility as well? There was no question the man was truly praising God for his little miracle in his arms. Either way it was a beautiful image given to me by God because I chose kindness over bitterness.

My message is to encourage women experiencing the emptiness of a loss to take three daily steps: 

1. Submit yourself to God

2. Close any open doors

3. Confront your enemy daily PRAYER! PRAYER! PRAYER!

I have daily confrontations with the devil. Whether I am in my prayer closet or driving down the road. I have to remind myself… YOU ARE NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR…YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD! I know the pain of the loss will be with me until the day I die, but I will not allow the pain to overshadow all of my many blessings. 

When a negative thought wants to enter your mind, slam the door shut by shouting out a blessing. Every morning put on your armor of God and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom.

“Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not again flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:11-19)

"An Angel from the Book of Life wrote down our baby's birth and whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for earth."

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

Guest Post with Jessica Roberts: Count It All as Joy

More Than Mediocre

This past month was really hard. The stomach virus hit, and Caroline got an ear infection and RSV. Isaac woke up one night throwing up all over his bed at 2:00 o'clock in the morning, and bless his heart, we didn't go back to sleep that night. A week later, he got the crud and ran a fever for a few days. Caroline cut three teeth. Heath had a migraine one night and the stomach virus another. I got sick, too, and when Mama's sick, well, everybody's sick. February was the month of no sleep.

One of those crazy, chaotic nights in particular after I had gotten Caroline to sleep, I remember standing at the sink, elbow deep in medicine syringes, sippy cups, and bottles, when I had a sobering thought:

I don't remember who I used to be.

And for a minute it took my breath away because it scared me. It scared me and made me feel sad. I even felt a huff of anger and a flash of resentment. I was tired. I was exhausted. I thought about the load of laundry that I had forgotten about in the washing machine. I thought about the pile of towels that needed folding and the sucker wrappers in the car. I thought about the sticky hand prints on the front door, the trash that needed taken out, and the puffs littering the floor by the high chair. I thought about the half-eaten bag of Goldfish sitting on the counter. I thought about my morning coffee still in the microwave where I had tried to warm it up--three different times--and still forgot about it. I thought about all the places I had to be and all the things I had to do and I GOT REALLY SAD. I got sad because my babies were sick and I was tired and I just wanted a nap and please someone just let me wake up before the kids in the morning! I could feel the devil rising up inside me, and I knew he was rejoicing.

But then I heard something.

I heard a slow, steady voice talking in the back of the house. I took a deep breath and inched towards the hall. What I heard stopped my heart: Heath was praying with our son. It wasn't one of those Now-I-Lay-Me-Down-to-Sleep prayers; it was real, and I could feel love and power and strength and perseverance coming from that little room in the back of the house. Tears rolled down my face and I just felt so proud. I thought about our little town and our state and this big ole world and thought, "How many daddies are praying with their little boys tonight?" I felt such strength emanating from that room. God had allowed every bitter feeling to flee my mind in that swift instant. I felt so shameful for ever doubting the Lord in where he was taking me in this life. I felt so silly for thinking that my suffering could ever amount to anything our Lord and Savior has ever undergone. I scolded myself as I wiped away the tears and vowed to never take what I had for granted again.

Mamas, you aren't mundane. Not mediocre. Marvelous. Magnificent. That's what we are. 

My prayer for us this week, ladies, is that we will take what we see as the mundane, the mediocre, and realize that it's just a brush stroke in the painting of our lives. We aren't complete without each and every mark, each and every moment. It might seem tedious, boring, we might not even remember who we used to be back when life seemed to be full of excitement and spontaneity. But we are building something for our babies. Each and every moment, each time we discipline, each time we react can be a reflection of Christ, and we have to take that responsibility and respect it. When it feels like it's too much...when you feel overwhelmed and you know you're going to snap, just stop. Breathe. Pray. Even though we can't see the big picture, we can draw amazing strength from the small, tiny moments in our lives.

But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me. Psalms 22:19



-Mallory

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

More Than Mediocre

Guest Post with Jada Smothers: The Hard and High Call of Mommyhood

Mommyhood is hard. In fact, it is very hard and has an enormous potential to be an ugly mess. However, it is also the best, most worthwhile, hard thing I have ever done. I am a mom to 4 amazing children: Titus-age 8, Maylie Grace-5, Jude-2 and Karis-3 months. I can’t even begin to describe just how much I love them and how I am so glad and grateful that I get to be their Momma!!!! God has truly blessed my husband and me with these 4 awesome little people! Though I do have to say these little people can be very trying to care for. I want so bad to be that soft spoken, calm, cool, collected mom who never raises her voice, whose children always obey after the first time and never whine or pitch fits but is always on their best behavior. However, that is not me or my children! Sometimes I feel like the total opposite of that. I struggle to have self-control when my children do something like dump out a whole bottle of glue onto the carpet (which happened yesterday). I struggle to calmly tell my children to please just stop aggravating each other for the one millionth time! I struggle to have patience with the child who wants to complain and refuse to do their math work because they have 10 extra problems. I struggle to calmly teach my toddler that we are not going to have a total melt down EVERY SINGLE time he is told no. So in a nutshell I struggle DAILY to be this mom that I want to be. And here is what I have concluded…I just can’t do it!!!

First of all, I can never be the perfect mom that I sometimes expect myself to be, but moreover, I cannot be the Mom God has called me to be…ON MY OWN STRENGTH. I cannot shepherd and train my children toward God without the grace and help of the Lord! These hard “momma moments” have taught me that my greatest need in mommying is for Christ to give me His strength to show His love and grace to my children. I have to have the grace of God to show my children that yes, Jesus is real and yes, He can change mommy’s sinful heart into a heart that can show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control even in the trying times. God has used my children to reveal to me sin in my life. Through them I have been humbled and I realize my GREAT need for Christ and that is a good thing. My children have taught me that I need God’s grace not just for salvation but for the EVERY day, every moments of my life! And when I lose it and my flesh takes over to sin, I can admit my sin and seek forgiveness from God and from them. And what is the why to all of this? Why do I want to have this joyful, self-controlled etc, disposition? So that my children won’t be scarred by having a crazy mom? So that others will say what a great mother I am with such obedient children? NO and NO. It is all about a bigger picture…

We must preach the gospel to our children with our words and with our actions so that they will hopefully and prayerfully one day know God and then in turn make Him known! We are called to be ambassadors for Christ-to be a representation of Him! We get so focused on the here and now and this day, this moment, that we forget to look at the big picture. We are raising the next generation, who will raise the next generation, who will raise the next generation and so on. We have such a great influence on the world around us and on the generations to come. What a blessing that God has chosen to use us in our ministry as mothers to make a difference for His kingdom, for His glory. Being the moms that God has called us to be could be the very avenue that God uses to raise up many mighty warriors for Him. Notice I said the moms GOD has called us to be.

We must not get caught up in this world’s notion of what a Mom is called to do and be. I think sometimes we try to be more than what God has called us to be! God has not called us to be at every event, to have our children playing and doing every single sport or activity that they so desire. God hasn’t called us to do everything and anything that is ever asked of us. God has not called us to have an impeccable house that looks like it came off the boards of Pinterest. God has not called us to raise children who never make mistakes. God has not called us to raise children who fit in with every one and are never thought of as different. On the contrary, we have been called to raise children who ARE different from the rest of the world!! We are called to primarily, diligently teach our children the ways of God, not the ways of the vain things of this world. We are called to do our best to raise children who KNOW HIM AND MAKE HIM KNOWN!

Therefore Let us daily “come boldly to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help” us as we minister, serve, shepherd and teach our children about the God who changes lives all for His glory! To attempt it on our own strength is an ugly mess!

1If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 12Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:1-3, 12-17

Share: facebook - twitter - pinterest

Guest Post with Jada Smothers: The Hard and High Call of Mommyhood